desire

from bed, stirring insecurity after we met

Posted on by andrewsmeyer

the shift was subtle

yet

you noticed

nuance

understanding the incremental movements dedicated to lovers claws reaching my back in shared moments of ecstasy and rage, a temporary impression to let them know to stay away, it’s our push-and-pull to find control an exercise soaked in toxin sweat hoping to bleed out everything wasting inside of me since the age of six

damage i couldn’t predict

festering poison that pulsed through my veins, determining ways i kept myself sane is now free to reign in its own pool of pity left to soak in sheets made by hands we never shake

subtlety, did i lose it somewhere?

we walked out the door, different directions, figuring we’d meet later

shit

were we having the same interaction?

was i misinterpreting your sighs and moans, thinking they were pleasure tones, all the while boredom and bent bones

those were condescending groans waiting for me to stop?

wait, which was it? is it?

did we connect how i thought, what’d i think, i was pleasure filled, vulnerable, and full of stink, naked, stranded between being god and realizing this doesn’t matter

i stumbled back into you, eating a burger on vinyl lined benches

your smile indicated nothing

that’s when i stopped caring and turned my senses off, lessening the impact

that i’m lost

from bed, unfocused and trying

Posted on by andrewsmeyer

*two today – a block has arrived

#1

i didn’t know you wouldn’t be there

i thought this was our life

i thought i could let go

i thought more than you did

you were too busy making excuses, for desires i didn’t share

your words

i had just healed, from decades old blunt edge memories slicing my shoulder blades

i took a long time to heal

under your tutelage

then

like i suspected, but forgot

i was opened back up, spilling secrets i forgot to keep

you walk out of rooms you can’t win, my wounds seep, what we shared

lies

you couldn’t show up

to watch our creation

drip into porous public bathroom floors

joining

everyone else

#2

walk across stages of life

raised above those who have come before with hand movements, tears, and smiles affirming and wishing you will take this thing further

direction?

i can’t tell you that one

go left

then right

wait, it’s later than we thought

you should have left hours ago to a place where sorrow goes, this coward act will never be enough to root you in a place firmly embedded to sunday night dreams

i wake and realize we’re still here, granted another day to wish away your spoiled-milk smile leaving me listless and in denial that a river holds answers, that you won’t make the same mistake that helped the snake hold a grin through first sin, a forked tongue finding its way into me

i’ll shed my skin

and slither on

from a room, heredities whisper

Posted on by andrewsmeyer

toxic traditions from your mothers tongue tumble out of your mouth

you’re in control of these tailored tones designed to lose everything you love

an easy strike

pointed

i forgave you once, hated her

twice, loving you

i moved out and back in

everything you wanted was easy to rescind so you didn’t have to maintain stale mundane walks to get the mail, the monthly bills, my name, your name, every crack in the sidewalk predictable, every neighbor wave the same

wishing i could trip and walk over your body, an easy situation to blame, outside destruction

we can reconcile

the slow slicing of emotional membranes fading my need to care

we can’t relate

days, weeks, months

i stop wondering why i can’t get up

more so

i stop asking why

it doesn’t matter

you’re predisposed to pretend she died when you were ten, now, i’m left with her ghost

telling me

it’s time to go

from a couch, withdrawal

Posted on by andrewsmeyer

door hinges holler

even when you tip-toe to the jamb and ease our portal to sin open, they hear you

you can’t hide

we’re destined to be exposed, their hands clapping, shortly followed by brandished weapons openly exposed on hips made to hold children, or the lingering lust left over from lovers tongues and lips leading you on, every echo of our existence lives in the widest parts of our being

they see us

we’ll move on

to bedrooms with nightstands holding tomorrow’s mask, mutated machine gun eyes ready to fire in moments of surprise sudden shaking of our senses that can’t be stopped with your mental breakdowns pushing everyone away

all we wanted was to take advantage of your dreams

to act out our own demented fantasies where everyone is undressed and daring our pain to crawl out from underneath trauma’s wings

split me open

i’ll lie next to you

bleed into me

penetrate the doorway with raucous energies pounding all senses to alert everyone that we’re home

from a porch, the breeze brings clarity

Posted on by andrewsmeyer

while stampeding around i forgot who to charge

so many bulging waisted men wander at large

terrifying night temptations continue to distract me when aiming for targets without concentric rings, defining boundaries, we listen for things, that came before the dinosaur roars

blindsided, distracted by ravens flying overhead the subtle breeze brought a freeze to thoughts reconsidered after the tease of finally finding a footpath worn enough to guide me with emitted scents perfectly aged and puffed into a snow man melting at dawn, the sun showed again to whisper swan songs

impregnated ideas creating images, sparks intertwined, cataclysmic screams, all gather in space to live out the dream licked by lovers never knowing what it means, i rolled away, put on my boots and went to the next town

from a porch, listening to lightening

Posted on by andrewsmeyer

the night nears an end

temporary space where unconscious exploration begins, nothing expires when examined again, picked up dropped in spaces to heighten an understanding of where we got lost on this turnpike filled with stops and starts and turn arounds, spinning underground to make our way through impassable barricades listening to the mist slowly gather to a rain, and feign a smile so you know i heard what you expected as the midnight oil burned

i hope these pages smell of kerosene and fluorescent lights in the modern age

i stayed up

dedicated to rage

change that brings forth a light that’ll guide us when the next space time travel is welcomed to design patterns of thoughts coinciding, colliding, exploding and refining the purpose we seek to push on another day

i thought of you

alone in a bed made for two

tossing and turning with ideas plagued

the belief that there is something more

it’s more of what came before

the aftermath left on a forest floor

walking over crumbled leaves

a change of seasons

i can breathe again

with reason

not to figure out

to resign the words for someone else

walking this path

of rediscovery

from a porch, graduation

Posted on by andrewsmeyer

i educate

i teach

i provide lessons while pacing classroom floors begging for questions

unanswerable and deserving attention, an enigmatic energy pushing further perceptions of reality and math equation mentality leading us closer to new found morality

if we stop to listen

i pause in hallways with youth mingling in swarms, disjointed social norms, sorting out the circles, triangles, and obtuse forms that are drawn to examine and explore why i learn more when i hit the floor, falling off ledges asking ‘what for?’

i hope i don’t bore

with the one thousandth and thirty-fourth time i remind you to be kind

i foster a sense of self, confidence climbing walls in front of smart boards carrying your research words of worlds you wish to fly to and investigate, get lost and redecorate your failing facade, now, strip it away, find yourself, serve the whole

i’m a student

i’m being taught

you provide lessons so i don’t get caught

thinking i know that i know something

all i know is the same nothing

you are seeking to forget

from a porch, forget sunday

Posted on by andrewsmeyer

hurried blood moving to my feet keeping me dangerous enough to forget to eat, legs bounce to rhythms i define, nothing coming in, everything circling inside, recycled emotions, sensations i know, uncomfortable stances, i wish i could stand still, next to you singing melodies of the future, i’m trapped in space swimming in the ether, of stained innocence when i trusted your sounds, feigned smiles, when i’d come around, i thought they were real, wanted, sunday’s were forgotten

from a bed, disinterested

Posted on by andrewsmeyer

i tugged at the elastic bottom of my red sweatshirt while you told me ‘it’ was never what i thought

looking down at the frayed ends

i’m sickened, scared, and sad considering the potential reality this meeting might have on how i proceed

alone

i’ve kept secrets from you;

i can’t look at mirrors in public spaces

i’ve never held a lover after sex

i kick stones into cars on dark walks home

i’ve stabbed your face in daydream moments when you don’t rush to me while crashing through after-work’s door

there’s so much more

the reasons i claw my arms and pound my thigh on drives where tears fly listening to others cry through speakers hoping to feel something more than histories persistent pressing on the present no matter how much liquid i dump in my throat

wishing, waiting, wanting a separation from the reality that little hands were bit by violent words leaving scars seen every night before i try to close my eyes and bleed out your disinterest in the ways i was pounded sideways long enough to forget how to walk straight

i veil it all

drugs and alcohol

saying the names would give them weight

making them too heavy to carry in my heart, where they ensure the fracture will never heal, i couldn’t imagine, ever feeling whole

there are no replaceable pieces

it’s getting cold

i zipper my hoodie

turn around

and leave your explanations alone

carrying the devastation

forever changing my conversational tone

sewing my lips

leaving me breathless

from bed, do you know?

Posted on by andrewsmeyer

you couldn’t give me a straight answer

i stuck around chain smoking cigarettes, crushing butts into metal ashtrays marking the movement of time

leaving me with a fitful night sleep and stained fingers

wishing i had found another way to slow your goodbyes to a drawn out stutter that i could complete for you

g.g.goo.goo.g.good.da.da.da…

DAY

your greeting with a grimace-frustrated face had you give up on trying to erase the words i inserted to keep you close

i never wanted to watch you disintegrate into a pool of leftover thoughts

waiting for me to grab a mop and wring out your memory into water muddied by wishful questions

that we’ll never move on from