standing outside with a hole you’ll fill

standing still

waiting outside your door

wondering if you’ll let me in

wondering, what for?

time raced

wind-swept words shattered grace

phrases we normally used

to build up this place

erased

four walls, a room

curtains were called, our play wouldn’t resume

bed beckoned

resting for the sun

making sure when the penalties were assessed

nobody won

not a one

silence weighed a ton, sighs filled the gun, we pulled the trigger, bang, we’re done

i came back

to see

if you’d let me in

and fill the whole

a single shot wound

is there more?

more of you?

more me?

more of we?

can a single knock stop this atrophy?

you let me in

dug in the skin

and said ‘let’s begin again’

from a porch, try again

can you continue

working towards the self-realization that we’re all frail and trying to be alright

coming home to love and fight

wrinkled brow on a friday night

soften me

wake me in the night

with reassuring breaths

turn from the moon-glow light as you clutch your body-pillow tight

now, release and reach

tension’s poison you’ll breach

when succumbing to the notion

ourselves we must teach

to try again

and again

if it takes too long

we’ll try again

to see your ways

my disturbing rants

cadence found in argument’s trance

break free

try again

and again

i rest on the notion

you’ll

try again

and beg in slow motion to stop the commotion, no magic potion can change this location where we find ourselves…

trying again

mesmerizing chants, we start the dance, tricked into believing its our last chance, on wooden dance halls, your slipper falls, desperation calls, as i bend down and crawl, whispering to myself, ‘try again’

continue this search

understanding seuss was right

we’re all left in the lurch

keep trying

from a porch, rain is coming

grafted personalities with wind-blown hairdos did the desert dance in sand filled bedrooms while clutching arid histories against milk depleted breasts

hope crumbled as swirling dirt devils divided what happened

with

what was wished for

we can’t taste the innocence of a sour dairy kiss anymore, without wondering which farm you wandered away from

developing a future, progeny

will cease

birds will fly

dogs will bark

worms will weasel through holes, no longer visiting the sea

we came together, for destruction

brought together, so they could continue on

from a strange bed, short lived insight

standing in line waiting for you to come out

leaving the door open would have helped me hear the shouts of your bruised arms battling another night wishing he’d come home

it doesn’t matter that we stayed

he couldn’t stand to reflect on the bed we made, believing tonight was the last time we’d feel hope

go to sleep now

it’s time

from a couch, lucky to run

they want to save the snow leopards

selling lemonade

cars stop, smiles and exchanges occur, habitual customs, they walk away quietly dumping uncovered sugar contents in street gutters before careening suburban corners without a seatbelt

money fills the jar, to keep alive childhood rituals, symbols that innocence existence on street corners

in white neighborhoods

she wants to go to disneyland

selling water below one bedroom paranoia, people walk-by, needing sustenance, they acquiesce, money hits her palm, fear-threatened people make phone calls to police

for black children

i’m neither, them or they

i’ve been told i shouldn’t speak this way, given my experience

i can pretend i’ve been ostracized, falsely accused, driven away, left raising money for myself, not for far away fur creatures

disneyland, it’s better than lunch

fortune finds us all, believing it’s monetary, the start of our fall

relatable situations, empathy

we’re not as far apart as any of us want

we’re all selling something on street corners, in backseat of uber lyfts, alone in the car-pool lane

our desire to connect without commitment, ensures we all know our place

from a couch, dead leaves

heaving

gasping for breathe while every leaf-raked emotion blows around my head again, kicked up, stirred, perfect-compartment piles shuffled through, kicked to the wind by your decision to enter again

through the front door

a home purposefully redecorated, walls torn down, your face not found, closets cleaned, memories unforgiven, now, NOW, you walk through the front yard on an autumn afternoon seeking refuge whilst destroying order

did you see the sidewalk?

what was in front of you?

that’s what led to tight lipped moments together

your inability to understand the means

an end

which means

you have no understanding of what this means, implications, outcomes, your finality, it’s in sight

again

you need to be told twice

don’t think

it’s alright

i’ll use a blower next time, and burn the remnants of early spring’s green hope

from a porch, neighborhood dreams

it’s real

that sensation that starts at the fingers of a forgotten friend and finds its way through you, holding hands wishing the sway would turn to a grasp and lead to rolling in freshly watered grass, overcoming discomfort in the name of passion, spontaneity

finding buttons and zippers to undo and divide, blissfully panting, newfound pride found in rhythmic pulses leading to shouts of freedom, letting go of every inhibition, primal yelps breaking neighborhood night silence in a park down the street from where our parents lived

and once loved

they had fake smiles and handshakes, birthday parties and shared steaks sizzling on wedding present grills pouring friday night puffs of community into styrofoam streets

neighbor coveted neighbor coveted neighbor, swapping stares as sundresses flipped up while planting perennials along front lawn borders, a tasteful fence

fears were multiplied when we started to subdivide and ran away from what made us great

what’s real?

the feel of coming back to plastic childhood haunted backyards, and parading in twenty year old libido with the next door pigtails you always wanted