keeping time

i tried to say something

the intention was lost, scattered with the other thoughts of self hatred and arrogance on a grey matter floor

wondering who i am

ageless

tempting the trampled, crumpled, and damaged images i scurry to when time can’t pin time to the mat of time, to flatten, come into focus, and rise to the surface

moments disintegrate, our favorite song is gathered hate sentences thrown in the wind of defenses

i still listened to your inspiration pants while you laid next to me

i waited for you to turn over and forget, i was by your side

counting the times i cried

to convince you i tried

it was laughter

simple

that brought us back in stride, the cadence of drum roll marchers keeping in line

sometimes resting on laurels

helps remind us to keep on

to keep on

Thank you, Shards

to the shards, thank you

mirrors break

reflected images distort, i make a mistake

this window, the lens i choose for you to see me through, it’s not all i do, only a clue, a scrolling stream where you feed when sitting in stranger-filled waiting rooms, stopping to chew

virtual cud

have you watched the videos?

read the poetry?

curiosity, behind the pictures, the monster i see, reflected when i don’t stop and piece together, you

the shards

helping me to see me more clearly

and inevitably

right before the picture comes into focus

i’ll find a way

to break

yet

there you’ll stay at my feet, a lifetime of searching set on repeat, after repeat

thank you for sticking around

thank you, to the shards

facets of my life falling to the floor when i forget there is an open door, line to connect, people to help dissect this tragic-tempting day filled with more beauty than i can convey in the words of a thank you letter

to the shards

standing outside with a hole you’ll fill

standing still

waiting outside your door

wondering if you’ll let me in

wondering, what for?

time raced

wind-swept words shattered grace

phrases we normally used

to build up this place

erased

four walls, a room

curtains were called, our play wouldn’t resume

bed beckoned

resting for the sun

making sure when the penalties were assessed

nobody won

not a one

silence weighed a ton, sighs filled the gun, we pulled the trigger, bang, we’re done

i came back

to see

if you’d let me in

and fill the whole

a single shot wound

is there more?

more of you?

more me?

more of we?

can a single knock stop this atrophy?

you let me in

dug in the skin

and said ‘let’s begin again’

from a porch, try again

can you continue

working towards the self-realization that we’re all frail and trying to be alright

coming home to love and fight

wrinkled brow on a friday night

soften me

wake me in the night

with reassuring breaths

turn from the moon-glow light as you clutch your body-pillow tight

now, release and reach

tension’s poison you’ll breach

when succumbing to the notion

ourselves we must teach

to try again

and again

if it takes too long

we’ll try again

to see your ways

my disturbing rants

cadence found in argument’s trance

break free

try again

and again

i rest on the notion

you’ll

try again

and beg in slow motion to stop the commotion, no magic potion can change this location where we find ourselves…

trying again

mesmerizing chants, we start the dance, tricked into believing its our last chance, on wooden dance halls, your slipper falls, desperation calls, as i bend down and crawl, whispering to myself, ‘try again’

continue this search

understanding seuss was right

we’re all left in the lurch

keep trying

from a porch, rain is coming

grafted personalities with wind-blown hairdos did the desert dance in sand filled bedrooms while clutching arid histories against milk depleted breasts

hope crumbled as swirling dirt devils divided what happened

with

what was wished for

we can’t taste the innocence of a sour dairy kiss anymore, without wondering which farm you wandered away from

developing a future, progeny

will cease

birds will fly

dogs will bark

worms will weasel through holes, no longer visiting the sea

we came together, for destruction

brought together, so they could continue on

from a strange bed, short lived insight

standing in line waiting for you to come out

leaving the door open would have helped me hear the shouts of your bruised arms battling another night wishing he’d come home

it doesn’t matter that we stayed

he couldn’t stand to reflect on the bed we made, believing tonight was the last time we’d feel hope

go to sleep now

it’s time

from a couch, lucky to run

they want to save the snow leopards

selling lemonade

cars stop, smiles and exchanges occur, habitual customs, they walk away quietly dumping uncovered sugar contents in street gutters before careening suburban corners without a seatbelt

money fills the jar, to keep alive childhood rituals, symbols that innocence existence on street corners

in white neighborhoods

she wants to go to disneyland

selling water below one bedroom paranoia, people walk-by, needing sustenance, they acquiesce, money hits her palm, fear-threatened people make phone calls to police

for black children

i’m neither, them or they

i’ve been told i shouldn’t speak this way, given my experience

i can pretend i’ve been ostracized, falsely accused, driven away, left raising money for myself, not for far away fur creatures

disneyland, it’s better than lunch

fortune finds us all, believing it’s monetary, the start of our fall

relatable situations, empathy

we’re not as far apart as any of us want

we’re all selling something on street corners, in backseat of uber lyfts, alone in the car-pool lane

our desire to connect without commitment, ensures we all know our place