keeping time

i tried to say something

the intention was lost, scattered with the other thoughts of self hatred and arrogance on a grey matter floor

wondering who i am

ageless

tempting the trampled, crumpled, and damaged images i scurry to when time can’t pin time to the mat of time, to flatten, come into focus, and rise to the surface

moments disintegrate, our favorite song is gathered hate sentences thrown in the wind of defenses

i still listened to your inspiration pants while you laid next to me

i waited for you to turn over and forget, i was by your side

counting the times i cried

to convince you i tried

it was laughter

simple

that brought us back in stride, the cadence of drum roll marchers keeping in line

sometimes resting on laurels

helps remind us to keep on

to keep on

standing outside with a hole you’ll fill

standing still

waiting outside your door

wondering if you’ll let me in

wondering, what for?

time raced

wind-swept words shattered grace

phrases we normally used

to build up this place

erased

four walls, a room

curtains were called, our play wouldn’t resume

bed beckoned

resting for the sun

making sure when the penalties were assessed

nobody won

not a one

silence weighed a ton, sighs filled the gun, we pulled the trigger, bang, we’re done

i came back

to see

if you’d let me in

and fill the whole

a single shot wound

is there more?

more of you?

more me?

more of we?

can a single knock stop this atrophy?

you let me in

dug in the skin

and said ‘let’s begin again’

from a porch, i can’t help myself

waiting

pounding veins make tense my head wondering about the deeds of the undead and feeding the parts of me kept secret aside from slips in stories entertaining you when i can’t help myself, i have to share the tales of accidental youth stabbings in a seventh grade classrooms with reading rugs, where i first learned i liked looking up skirts and reading about drug addled football players with initial names and grimaces that make a pubescent boy snarl back waiting for someone to look my way with the wrong expression. ms. p. was her name, with aqua blue cotton panties bulging with a pad a few days out of the month, i thought she knew i was looking. i didn’t get the implications, frontal lobe still developing and deciding which hand i should use while gripping half grown appendages alone in a poster dressed bedroom where all wonderings cascaded before falling asleep to the hum of cds and fm radio. “jane says, i’m goin’ away to spain”, i want to go with her, explore the pavement where foreign voices are home, where i can’t breathe ecstasy air, your dim lit streets force me to remember my way to you, it’s where we started, in stinky sand pits clutching for life through mud puddle remains of those who walked the earth without having to maintain the natural flow of carbon inhaling carbon

from a porch, plastic boats

drawing plastic boats with water color paints on paper meant for your goodbye letter

it’ll only mean we’re better

i set it on the kitchen counter, leftover dinner and half-washed dishes

letting go

of complete control

a shallow bowl, filled with forgotten goals

knowing soon, we’ll split our souls

sailing off, to separate-corner roles

falling into, shallow holes

tunnels dug, by emotions moles

we’ve lost our way

will we find it tomorrow?

worn out maps

we’ll borrow

to sail back

to still-water coves

to pictures i drew

when we knew

it was real

that boat on paper

came to life

i love you

came to life

from a porch, the answer my friend…

your job is to ask tough questions

we’ve been taught not to answer

someone from the other side

breathing in and out cancer

cells multiplying rapidly, empathy paralyzed

perspectives dizzy when i turn my head

stay forward

horse parades

don’t spook the hatred

hoof beats pound forgotten dirt, demanding attention

it’s used up

passion poured out to disposes the drifters who were led without knowing

another path exists

home life excuses

tempting nooses

hanging tree galleries

branches bending, we’re all grafted

one seed

breaking, with the slightest breeze brought across seas, caught in wind pouring from your inquiries, we forgot how to address, critical diseases

critical, we need them

complete your task

i’ll formulate a response, they’ll never know

i tried

from a porch, rain is coming

grafted personalities with wind-blown hairdos did the desert dance in sand filled bedrooms while clutching arid histories against milk depleted breasts

hope crumbled as swirling dirt devils divided what happened

with

what was wished for

we can’t taste the innocence of a sour dairy kiss anymore, without wondering which farm you wandered away from

developing a future, progeny

will cease

birds will fly

dogs will bark

worms will weasel through holes, no longer visiting the sea

we came together, for destruction

brought together, so they could continue on

from a midwestern bed, sleep deprived and still acting

you have an audience

take a bow

glide through the curtains

a trail of movement as the lights go up

applause only lasts as long as the illusion that you’ll give more

it doesn’t follow, fate fades

dimensions, one sided

apprehension we confide in

i stood before a crowd once, lost my voice and fell from the cloud composed of possibilities that you’d accept me

i couldn’t compare myself

you were worried, self aware, self-centered, bathing in the echo hitting hands

forgetting i need you

rather, i become you, destroy me

i won’t last

let’s get off this stage

that was the final act