the shift was subtle

yet

you noticed

nuance

understanding the incremental movements dedicated to lovers claws reaching my back in shared moments of ecstasy and rage, a temporary impression to let them know to stay away, it’s our push-and-pull to find control an exercise soaked in toxin sweat hoping to bleed out everything wasting inside of me since the age of six

damage i couldn’t predict

festering poison that pulsed through my veins, determining ways i kept myself sane is now free to reign in its own pool of pity left to soak in sheets made by hands we never shake

subtlety, did i lose it somewhere?

we walked out the door, different directions, figuring we’d meet later

shit

were we having the same interaction?

was i misinterpreting your sighs and moans, thinking they were pleasure tones, all the while boredom and bent bones

those were condescending groans waiting for me to stop?

wait, which was it? is it?

did we connect how i thought, what’d i think, i was pleasure filled, vulnerable, and full of stink, naked, stranded between being god and realizing this doesn’t matter

i stumbled back into you, eating a burger on vinyl lined benches

your smile indicated nothing

that’s when i stopped caring and turned my senses off, lessening the impact

that i’m lost