poem

from a porch, it wasn’t deep enough for both of us

Posted on by andrewsmeyer

i’m sure it’s viable

if that’s the way you choose to live

reliable

if that’s the way you choose to give

undeniable

if that’s where you choose to go

i left the disheveled cushions alone after i got up from the new yellow couch you bought from a friend

you looked confused

dressed for another occasion while i sang the blues for a god different than yours

she breathed fire and kept her pants down to fulfill the desire that comes before sundown and i ran to tell the others what you said

you pushed past caring

it was jarring, rewiring

soldering synapse connections, joining dendrites dipped in cynicism’s death-trap

i never was good at selling myself

the way you beat your chest whispering nothing into the side of my face, my good side

the cushions weren’t the only thing i pressed into and walked away from

you’ll never be the same, the cushions will regain an appearance of moments ago

with the right lift and push

you’ll be on the side of the road waiting for something to pick you up long before that couch is used for the last time

i should have picked up after myself

but that would have left you

nothing to remember me by

from bed, stirring insecurity after we met

Posted on by andrewsmeyer

the shift was subtle

yet

you noticed

nuance

understanding the incremental movements dedicated to lovers claws reaching my back in shared moments of ecstasy and rage, a temporary impression to let them know to stay away, it’s our push-and-pull to find control an exercise soaked in toxin sweat hoping to bleed out everything wasting inside of me since the age of six

damage i couldn’t predict

festering poison that pulsed through my veins, determining ways i kept myself sane is now free to reign in its own pool of pity left to soak in sheets made by hands we never shake

subtlety, did i lose it somewhere?

we walked out the door, different directions, figuring we’d meet later

shit

were we having the same interaction?

was i misinterpreting your sighs and moans, thinking they were pleasure tones, all the while boredom and bent bones

those were condescending groans waiting for me to stop?

wait, which was it? is it?

did we connect how i thought, what’d i think, i was pleasure filled, vulnerable, and full of stink, naked, stranded between being god and realizing this doesn’t matter

i stumbled back into you, eating a burger on vinyl lined benches

your smile indicated nothing

that’s when i stopped caring and turned my senses off, lessening the impact

that i’m lost

from bed, unfocused and trying

Posted on by andrewsmeyer

*two today – a block has arrived

#1

i didn’t know you wouldn’t be there

i thought this was our life

i thought i could let go

i thought more than you did

you were too busy making excuses, for desires i didn’t share

your words

i had just healed, from decades old blunt edge memories slicing my shoulder blades

i took a long time to heal

under your tutelage

then

like i suspected, but forgot

i was opened back up, spilling secrets i forgot to keep

you walk out of rooms you can’t win, my wounds seep, what we shared

lies

you couldn’t show up

to watch our creation

drip into porous public bathroom floors

joining

everyone else

#2

walk across stages of life

raised above those who have come before with hand movements, tears, and smiles affirming and wishing you will take this thing further

direction?

i can’t tell you that one

go left

then right

wait, it’s later than we thought

you should have left hours ago to a place where sorrow goes, this coward act will never be enough to root you in a place firmly embedded to sunday night dreams

i wake and realize we’re still here, granted another day to wish away your spoiled-milk smile leaving me listless and in denial that a river holds answers, that you won’t make the same mistake that helped the snake hold a grin through first sin, a forked tongue finding its way into me

i’ll shed my skin

and slither on

from a room, heredities whisper

Posted on by andrewsmeyer

toxic traditions from your mothers tongue tumble out of your mouth

you’re in control of these tailored tones designed to lose everything you love

an easy strike

pointed

i forgave you once, hated her

twice, loving you

i moved out and back in

everything you wanted was easy to rescind so you didn’t have to maintain stale mundane walks to get the mail, the monthly bills, my name, your name, every crack in the sidewalk predictable, every neighbor wave the same

wishing i could trip and walk over your body, an easy situation to blame, outside destruction

we can reconcile

the slow slicing of emotional membranes fading my need to care

we can’t relate

days, weeks, months

i stop wondering why i can’t get up

more so

i stop asking why

it doesn’t matter

you’re predisposed to pretend she died when you were ten, now, i’m left with her ghost

telling me

it’s time to go

from a couch, withdrawal

Posted on by andrewsmeyer

door hinges holler

even when you tip-toe to the jamb and ease our portal to sin open, they hear you

you can’t hide

we’re destined to be exposed, their hands clapping, shortly followed by brandished weapons openly exposed on hips made to hold children, or the lingering lust left over from lovers tongues and lips leading you on, every echo of our existence lives in the widest parts of our being

they see us

we’ll move on

to bedrooms with nightstands holding tomorrow’s mask, mutated machine gun eyes ready to fire in moments of surprise sudden shaking of our senses that can’t be stopped with your mental breakdowns pushing everyone away

all we wanted was to take advantage of your dreams

to act out our own demented fantasies where everyone is undressed and daring our pain to crawl out from underneath trauma’s wings

split me open

i’ll lie next to you

bleed into me

penetrate the doorway with raucous energies pounding all senses to alert everyone that we’re home

from a porch, graduation

Posted on by andrewsmeyer

i educate

i teach

i provide lessons while pacing classroom floors begging for questions

unanswerable and deserving attention, an enigmatic energy pushing further perceptions of reality and math equation mentality leading us closer to new found morality

if we stop to listen

i pause in hallways with youth mingling in swarms, disjointed social norms, sorting out the circles, triangles, and obtuse forms that are drawn to examine and explore why i learn more when i hit the floor, falling off ledges asking ‘what for?’

i hope i don’t bore

with the one thousandth and thirty-fourth time i remind you to be kind

i foster a sense of self, confidence climbing walls in front of smart boards carrying your research words of worlds you wish to fly to and investigate, get lost and redecorate your failing facade, now, strip it away, find yourself, serve the whole

i’m a student

i’m being taught

you provide lessons so i don’t get caught

thinking i know that i know something

all i know is the same nothing

you are seeking to forget

from a bed, disinterested

Posted on by andrewsmeyer

i tugged at the elastic bottom of my red sweatshirt while you told me ‘it’ was never what i thought

looking down at the frayed ends

i’m sickened, scared, and sad considering the potential reality this meeting might have on how i proceed

alone

i’ve kept secrets from you;

i can’t look at mirrors in public spaces

i’ve never held a lover after sex

i kick stones into cars on dark walks home

i’ve stabbed your face in daydream moments when you don’t rush to me while crashing through after-work’s door

there’s so much more

the reasons i claw my arms and pound my thigh on drives where tears fly listening to others cry through speakers hoping to feel something more than histories persistent pressing on the present no matter how much liquid i dump in my throat

wishing, waiting, wanting a separation from the reality that little hands were bit by violent words leaving scars seen every night before i try to close my eyes and bleed out your disinterest in the ways i was pounded sideways long enough to forget how to walk straight

i veil it all

drugs and alcohol

saying the names would give them weight

making them too heavy to carry in my heart, where they ensure the fracture will never heal, i couldn’t imagine, ever feeling whole

there are no replaceable pieces

it’s getting cold

i zipper my hoodie

turn around

and leave your explanations alone

carrying the devastation

forever changing my conversational tone

sewing my lips

leaving me breathless

from the porch, the stars at night are big and bright

Posted on by andrewsmeyer

put them on display like marie o’day

a traveling freak show of our forever frozen-in-fear children’s bodies captured behind glass

we’ll pay our quarter and gasp

will we find the answer?

as they continue to be riddled by bullets from the sphinx’s arms, can they enter our institutions without having to guess who is on all fours and who walks down hallways holding an end to their innocence, not lost, taken, never to be regained?

one last wrinkle from the protector of Thebes tongue, ‘he slithers on his belly after lunch’

these displays are not an anomaly

nothing to stare at stupefied

they’re genetically modified like the rest of us

a mirror in her casket would prove to be interchangeable

next to the werewolf man, just as believable

our fears

in arranged viewing areas for us to examine

school buildings charging admission for us to safely discover what keeps us up at night when our imaginations are made tangible, agreed upon breeding grounds left to their own devices

desires to smash mores established for greed, desires for their moms to fulfill their needs

and dad’s to stand up, before another one bleeds

and joins the circus

from the porch, i forgot how

Posted on by andrewsmeyer

a part of it is, i don’t remember

i can’t trace the sequence of dance steps that led us to this disillusioned state staring at statues that led us to this place of deserted rhythms

the loss of a heartbeat

still life seeking solitude when up against fates knife

slit

distancing ourselves from reconciliation

worries dissipate

sorrows meditate

the taste of your breathe finding a way to my memories

it’s over now, the present straddles dawn break, and leaves wonder in its wake

this i’ll take

and forget how i got here

from bed, our last supper

Posted on by andrewsmeyer

leftover chicken for dinner

i knew how much i was cooking

what i could eat

it wasn’t left over

there was no one in the seat across from me

i chased you away with worries, monsters concocted during day light dreams

nightmares

suppositions

blank stares

bacon consistency never remembered

what size of spoon you use, for cereal and ice cream

i stopped guessing and brought both

or, sometimes, i left the drawer open and said ‘in here’

you got the hint

i regretted dropping it, shattering silence with a clang, as your uncles’s gift forks fell to the floor, your final sigh closing the door, i looked around

finally

free to explore

what to listen for

when the neighbors stop arguing