without further consideration i’d swap flesh

it doesn’t have to be a trade up

or down

just another experience

the flipping of styles that genetics can’t provide

you say character comes from the inside it’s a reaction to what we find in our birth ride through the canal of gloom and hope we all come out with a triumphant shout that it’s our turn

our turn to watch swirled sunsets drift us into night with glowing resemblance to a watched over fight between the darkness and light

i wish i may i wish i will consider each molecule that makes me still when surprise ties try to fill

my being

even when the sun pops up and i’m not ready

white bands stretching the sky

staring into muted equations as my eyes dry with welcomed goodbyes and sighs left over from yesterday’s rise of emotions uncovered without intention.

so they thought

store bought calculation well timed removal of spectacles and the right intonation as your hands hit your face

queue the tears

i can’t even feel watching you unfold stories wove in and out of family drama using your shameless ability and manipulation to get through a situation where you fucked up

someone, somewhere let your tears turn locks and set you free on a minute to minute twisting of reality to avoid the penalty of owning that spot where you’re sitting

why should i care? it’s not me who has to pace in the creases of your grey matter, folds of phony fucked up clatter feigned excuses while voices splatter their concern for you

i can’t

i try to meet everyone with what the leave out in front of me, but you, and your ‘mommy-daddy-they’re mean’ mentality, there’s a finality, and while i may succumb to banality i certainly won’t light the fuse to help guide you out of dark places erected in the tight spaces of faces whose mind erases the history of your graceless walk

i didn’t want the part

at least i came to the audition and read your lines

they were memorized

when you called out for more i improvised lied about my family ties readjusted the length and proper size until i realized i couldn’t synthesize sense into something that paralyzed me at an early age the coming of ways i found to not be around, lost and creating a new sound for getting your attention every hope i’d mention shot down by your penitent for watching me squirm under the tree i shook from, should i rehearse a new script to be better equipped in a world where lies are dipped in front of counterfeit children being raised up to shut up to catch up to match up to climb up the rings of a polyethylene handled ladder of burning emotions cautioning us every step of the way that this playwright needs to burn the stage with you all on it and start over

i’m here for the audition

will you listen to something i wrote?

it’s kind of long and i wonder off script it may bore you at times, but don’t forget it’s legitimate and i don’t want to quit

i’ll include you at the end

if you want

i thought about you while my eyes were fixed and wide watching the falling snow on a morning meant for shooting out of bed in a panic. i sat still switching my focus to the backdrop purple sky jogging a mental mile in my mind wishing i could stop the tape and rewind, one more time, to hear your voice when you called me friend and i rode shot gun, knowing you’d always get us home.

that’s gone.

you’re gone.

guest speakers dance in front of me, the holy three, a trinity, meaning nothing as i flee from having to envision the look on your face when you saw the end.

the snow keeps falling

the sky is changing

i’m taking another lap

this time running faster in hopes i avoid the regret of not stopping you

how?

i couldn’t even scare myself into believing what we said on recon missions to gas station grills was true.

the moments few when we bled through both waiting for the other to get lost so we had an explanation for why we were found

we could blame someone else for freedom

i can’t tell if it’s still snowing

i can’t remember your last name

it’s time to get up now

i’ll visit again

standard lines and lies you cast in our direction believing we will miss your conception of someone else who is the you we can’t get too close to in narrow hallways where sausage factory fingers like to play hide-and-go seek

this revelry with mysterious friends is why i keep the magnetic lies you steep far away from ferris wheel faces and more intelligent people, drinking more intelligent tea

you actually believe what comes out of your mouth?

it’s easy to lose track of the conjured cradles you create when everyone covets and covers forging a fate while not pausing to wait and contemplate whether you are the real mother of mentally ill mantras that no one else wants, you form those you wish to heal. sicken them so you can deal another hand of ‘we’re doing our best’ i make sure to keep close to my vest any reality and feelings i ingest, cause i know you will nest them away for a lying game day when you need to contort yourself through another sick situation brought in with manipulation featuring nothing more than a phony puke headed position of ‘hit me’

we gathered around the counter on tuesday mornings waiting for a final resolution to all the promises you broke spending money and listening to me as i poke another under the table where legs were rubbed and lies were held in foam topped mugs a shot of you left over from dinner with scraps on the floor a dance with candor in a house where eric once lived, a series of stacked bricks where outside hunches a pig named oliver blowing with the wolves – he just wants a little more.

you disagree.

I do too.

black spots dance before my eyelids heavy and i scream for my keys

unlock this gate guarding my final fate

you shrunk

it’s ok it’s just that i was getting used to the sway when the breeze would catch you just right

a tilt to the left during events when someone shouted caustically about stylistic tendencies of your immediate family

caring deeper for the franchise than the surprise in your eyes when grafted pineapple trees produced something sweeter than this life you’ve loved

bending, holding up and stretching out crashing to the tempted floors when he walked in again pointing fingers and wreaking of sin the dirty bastard bible thumping in a rest area for no one but those who can keep a bathroom clean

what does that mean to us out here picking up debris wishing saturday you’d see it’s them not you and certainly me that can’t wish against the tiny freeze that stuns you silent

i’ve given up the night miracle walks we were going on, the ones we grew up in

i catapulted to capitulation

now i’m out of that situation

fingers rest easy when i’m alone

that’s a lie as they fly through my phone pleading ‘see me’ is anyone home is there anyone aware? can i care and create this thing we mistake for attention seeking its my breath breaking strike against a fake good night knowing you might capture my fright in a single sound shaking sight

she didn’t want to close the door on her own

but, no one else was there

it was past the time feet shuffled through moldy carpet on their way for one last check before entering a place free from the distraction of caring about other people in far away places carrying suitcase souls for their next vacation

isn’t there enough vitamin c where you live can’t you count the pages of dollar store books on a piece of land designed for you and the other two who bring something different in the way you walk down shrouded side streets waiting for penniless children to speak, and you laugh and think ‘how cute’ their trying to appear not mute to the blind extravagance you go back to in a world of space lit psychopaths eating dinner with politicians carrying out agendas for counter intelligence cultural cock suckers crowding our personal space with information blasts riling crowds to spill over

gorilla theater

we can’t even speak to one another when truck lines blur in panty raid exercises, get out of may face i want to feel alive, grabbing my own arm to slice tracks making sure this stupid fucking show is real can i crawl back in the mountains without hearing the rev of atv fuel racers climbing tracks that take away my next trek into reconnecting with something that doesn’t shout or pour or complain of gout a rich persons disease for not understanding how to say please with something other than a coin or bill. i wouldn’t reach through my window sill to hand you a busted pill to ease your anxiety of not knowing how to talk to me

close the door

purple

am i suppose to describe it?

purple?

blankets that fell ill to this awful hue after you decided to wrap my trust too tight spilling out secrets clustered in passionate pulse places where people weren’t suppose to be

i was vulnerable

we ate dinner in gathered clothes

they weren’t all mine

i knew that

words you willed into me

guided thoughts

fans running high blowing them around the room haphazard chimpanzees ruining your carpet fed by thinking too much

put the plate down and go for a forkful of laughter in light of guiding his emotions for your own convenience i stop and stutter walk too much

glide in this cache of ruins you created to culture dominance in foreign fed freckle faced fucks i need to get away from creating doorways to alleys where light hasn’t peeked in years i’m not sure i could tell you how to get there this blanket keeps showing up and wants to talk to me it’s pissed on and bled through could we meet tomorrow to unwrap the past

i’m busy right now getting out of bed

peeling off the white plastic sheets is proving to be difficult

listen

purple

you will always be remembered

words this week have hid under umbrellas knowing the reign of heavy hands is here to stay

you pushed me

conversations could have climbed to new look out points

brushes with death that would force our will and silence your breath

you decided to continue on a path carved years ago

rehearsed

tired

uninspired dinner plate

presentations left with no opinion as to how we can change

it isn’t a matter of rearranging where the chicken and couscous sit it’s unpacking new entertainment that doesn’t require barbed wire side dishes with every ‘how are you’ well wishes and can’t we stop and look before we eat

did the calendar change again?

suspended from the will to see drawn out sentences sorting on a canopy protecting your side of life i only imagine

Shields up!

the cavalry is coming

unfortunately

you weren’t looking

weapons were left home and they were here to carry you

away

yet, here you stay crouched with dismay grimacing at those who love you

you didn’t miss the boat,

you dug a moat

we stopped trying to cross