hurried blood moving to my feet keeping me dangerous enough to forget to eat, legs bounce to rhythms i define, nothing coming in, everything circling inside, recycled emotions, sensations i know, uncomfortable stances, i wish i could stand still, next to you singing melodies of the future, i’m trapped in space swimming in the ether, of stained innocence when i trusted your sounds, feigned smiles, when i’d come around, i thought they were real, wanted, sunday’s were forgotten
i tugged at the elastic bottom of my red sweatshirt while you told me ‘it’ was never what i thought
looking down at the frayed ends
i’m sickened, scared, and sad considering the potential reality this meeting might have on how i proceed
alone
i’ve kept secrets from you;
i can’t look at mirrors in public spaces
i’ve never held a lover after sex
i kick stones into cars on dark walks home
i’ve stabbed your face in daydream moments when you don’t rush to me while crashing through after-work’s door
there’s so much more
the reasons i claw my arms and pound my thigh on drives where tears fly listening to others cry through speakers hoping to feel something more than histories persistent pressing on the present no matter how much liquid i dump in my throat
wishing, waiting, wanting a separation from the reality that little hands were bit by violent words leaving scars seen every night before i try to close my eyes and bleed out your disinterest in the ways i was pounded sideways long enough to forget how to walk straight
i veil it all
drugs and alcohol
saying the names would give them weight
making them too heavy to carry in my heart, where they ensure the fracture will never heal, i couldn’t imagine, ever feeling whole
there are no replaceable pieces
it’s getting cold
i zipper my hoodie
turn around
and leave your explanations alone
carrying the devastation
forever changing my conversational tone
sewing my lips
leaving me breathless
you couldn’t give me a straight answer
i stuck around chain smoking cigarettes, crushing butts into metal ashtrays marking the movement of time
leaving me with a fitful night sleep and stained fingers
wishing i had found another way to slow your goodbyes to a drawn out stutter that i could complete for you
g.g.goo.goo.g.good.da.da.da…
DAY
your greeting with a grimace-frustrated face had you give up on trying to erase the words i inserted to keep you close
i never wanted to watch you disintegrate into a pool of leftover thoughts
waiting for me to grab a mop and wring out your memory into water muddied by wishful questions
that we’ll never move on from
stand and deliver the sermon you were sent to serenade us with on a mountain built to rise above the pathetic-life platitudes that dribbled from hedge-fund hoes betting for a secure future full of uncertainty to those they pretend to protect
raise your voice over the echoes from the valley below full of window dressed men with barbed wire mouths hoping to take another step towards sisyphus’s demise
i’d find comfort pushing senseless stones endlessly in an effort to drive out those needing the next thing
i found a rhythm with my broom, sweeping streets littered with lost souls seeking sunrise in paper bags and garbled thoughts
who am i to declare anything
the thought alone gives weight to a world crushing Atlas, without a map we lose our way home
where will we go?
your words cease when understanding is drowned in the ocean you slipped into while realizing, no one was listening
plucked, still shivering from the shock
gently observed, now dropped
slaloming through subtle air currents
resting on imitations
feet shuffling through fields filled with fear
shift the pile of clones
creating a new order, without emotion
as shades are slowly drawn on day
put them on display like marie o’day
a traveling freak show of our forever frozen-in-fear children’s bodies captured behind glass
we’ll pay our quarter and gasp
will we find the answer?
as they continue to be riddled by bullets from the sphinx’s arms, can they enter our institutions without having to guess who is on all fours and who walks down hallways holding an end to their innocence, not lost, taken, never to be regained?
one last wrinkle from the protector of Thebes tongue, ‘he slithers on his belly after lunch’
these displays are not an anomaly
nothing to stare at stupefied
they’re genetically modified like the rest of us
a mirror in her casket would prove to be interchangeable
next to the werewolf man, just as believable
our fears
in arranged viewing areas for us to examine
school buildings charging admission for us to safely discover what keeps us up at night when our imaginations are made tangible, agreed upon breeding grounds left to their own devices
desires to smash mores established for greed, desires for their moms to fulfill their needs
and dad’s to stand up, before another one bleeds
and joins the circus
another friday came
we relaxed on cushions set out to comfort the fall from a week when your guardian angel took a break
why’d you go?
what was the place you sought when dangerous days dangled before us daring dancing darling pixies to take another stab at pictures i hold onto while lights flicker and shadows bounce off walls with pealing paint soaked in smoke stains and greasy breakfast fights
saturday will greet the sun
i’ll rise and wonder how i got here
your passing defined my sleep patterns
i couldn’t escape your smile
seared in every crease my brain formed to try to forget
a part of it is, i don’t remember
i can’t trace the sequence of dance steps that led us to this disillusioned state staring at statues that led us to this place of deserted rhythms
the loss of a heartbeat
still life seeking solitude when up against fates knife
slit
distancing ourselves from reconciliation
worries dissipate
sorrows meditate
the taste of your breathe finding a way to my memories
it’s over now, the present straddles dawn break, and leaves wonder in its wake
this i’ll take
and forget how i got here
leftover chicken for dinner
i knew how much i was cooking
what i could eat
it wasn’t left over
there was no one in the seat across from me
i chased you away with worries, monsters concocted during day light dreams
nightmares
suppositions
blank stares
bacon consistency never remembered
what size of spoon you use, for cereal and ice cream
i stopped guessing and brought both
or, sometimes, i left the drawer open and said ‘in here’
you got the hint
i regretted dropping it, shattering silence with a clang, as your uncles’s gift forks fell to the floor, your final sigh closing the door, i looked around
finally
free to explore
what to listen for
when the neighbors stop arguing
you stuck the wooden mallet down my throat and began churning out helpless emotions i stuffed deep years ago to dispel the myth that i am predetermined to your sink-disposal life they threw everything into before you ran away
i’m ok
it made me gag a little
i can taste the past
visions will never last
i bleached my eyeballs
knowing i had to keep moving
my sentences full of your pronouns
i forgot how to say her name
digesting symbols of those who came before the blame
it was them
jesus and the gang
names, like animal emotions
only for us
humans
i gurgled visions of father figure fuck over from a forged outcome past and spat hard on rocks as i kept walking
you’re behind me
motionless
the handle hangs out of your bludgeoned head
eyes resting
red
unfed
dead
my morning stream 