from a tent, mornings bring terror

skip sequence, break the mold

mix up order, restore peace

however, it’s only repositioned pain

waiting

broken nights thrown your way by people who should have known better always remain, indelible sharpie ink scrawls on your soul, shards that will cut through eventually, and leak memories of lamp-breaking nights into the bliss you thought could shroud dad’s finger waving and mom’s burnt cookies

wafers you found out weren’t good enough after neighborhood-sleepover birthday parties in fancier houses, staying with sewn together parents, frayed edges showing when the “unit” is alone

singed finger tips

your family ties were ripped at the seams in public squares

broken down stares

knowing you had to get out

facades developed, and destroyed

break circles

step out

only after roaring back

you must push them out

not down

move on

from a porch, for tomorrow

our converse conversations, starting within the end, didn’t end abruptly

words eased to a lull, i tightened my high tops and shot back across town where i knew the shaggy headed kids smoked cigarettes and threw pickles against coffee shop windows cheering cured cucumbers to the ash filled table below

sixteen and without fucks

i was always the nice guy

“more like a friend”

nine-passenger wagon rides to skank filled concert halls, white-reggae dancing

eye-lined boys, boundaries moved

lake-side-plume-filled-sweatshirt walks tasting dollar-fifty lip gloss, inhaling a “twenties” worth of virginities perspiration on the nape of her insecure neck

i was young once

engrossed in moments, enmeshed in the now, talking to you

going no where

inverse discussions

without end

from a porch, waiting for the sway

sideways force, movements continue forward

swaying in ecstasy’s lane wondering if i should pull over

backwards isn’t an option

waiting for you to catch up, would tempt my patience

regardless

we never surrendered to that scheme, moving to the known, our game was to dethrone what couldn’t be predicted

animal instinct

impulse

pushing the physical, unable to tackle the emotional…state of deciding if we were doing the right thing

it was the breeze

disturbing my trajectory

i gave in

while you led the way

from a rented bed, anxious

we sit

bees swarm

trouble finds them

newspapers and backs of hands

getting up

wading through crowds

designer jeans worn by misfit teenagers

stretching and warranting a surprise

here comes the sun

milk and honey

blisters find fingers

searching for sustenance

blankets fall uneven

grass not mowed

nothing distracting us

we now lay alone

looking up

beautiful side of duality

potential disaster

as ashes fall, we cheer

could they imagine

this cunning freedom

we walk back

to homes undisturbed

from a porch, rain is coming

grafted personalities with wind-blown hairdos did the desert dance in sand filled bedrooms while clutching arid histories against milk depleted breasts

hope crumbled as swirling dirt devils divided what happened

with

what was wished for

we can’t taste the innocence of a sour dairy kiss anymore, without wondering which farm you wandered away from

developing a future, progeny

will cease

birds will fly

dogs will bark

worms will weasel through holes, no longer visiting the sea

we came together, for destruction

brought together, so they could continue on

from an airport, excuse me

tongue tied

i lost my footing and tripped into a torture chamber

landing, wide-eyed, squinting about unable to find a way out

strained wrinkles messing my face, a rearranged place that mind-shadows cast years ago in half-lit rooms, i ran in circles, a single cloud followed my gloom

after days trapped alone i started building my tomb, until i heard whispers from above, something about a dove and desert blooms

faint glimpses of hope under half moons

happiness kept at bay, waiting out the storm

i missed my chance

contrasts, duality blasts, me and you

one morning, by my best estimation, i found my words

i screamed through echo chamber hallways that led me to fluorescent buzzing, illuminating everything, obnoxiously

i can’t hide!

how do i know when i’m good enough?

without the ability to fall again

through the floor

how much lower?

this is the end?

i can’t trip again, into your hole

free to die

speaking my mind

from a strange bed, short lived insight

standing in line waiting for you to come out

leaving the door open would have helped me hear the shouts of your bruised arms battling another night wishing he’d come home

it doesn’t matter that we stayed

he couldn’t stand to reflect on the bed we made, believing tonight was the last time we’d feel hope

go to sleep now

it’s time

from a midwestern bed, sleep deprived and still acting

you have an audience

take a bow

glide through the curtains

a trail of movement as the lights go up

applause only lasts as long as the illusion that you’ll give more

it doesn’t follow, fate fades

dimensions, one sided

apprehension we confide in

i stood before a crowd once, lost my voice and fell from the cloud composed of possibilities that you’d accept me

i couldn’t compare myself

you were worried, self aware, self-centered, bathing in the echo hitting hands

forgetting i need you

rather, i become you, destroy me

i won’t last

let’s get off this stage

that was the final act

from a couch, lucky to run

they want to save the snow leopards

selling lemonade

cars stop, smiles and exchanges occur, habitual customs, they walk away quietly dumping uncovered sugar contents in street gutters before careening suburban corners without a seatbelt

money fills the jar, to keep alive childhood rituals, symbols that innocence existence on street corners

in white neighborhoods

she wants to go to disneyland

selling water below one bedroom paranoia, people walk-by, needing sustenance, they acquiesce, money hits her palm, fear-threatened people make phone calls to police

for black children

i’m neither, them or they

i’ve been told i shouldn’t speak this way, given my experience

i can pretend i’ve been ostracized, falsely accused, driven away, left raising money for myself, not for far away fur creatures

disneyland, it’s better than lunch

fortune finds us all, believing it’s monetary, the start of our fall

relatable situations, empathy

we’re not as far apart as any of us want

we’re all selling something on street corners, in backseat of uber lyfts, alone in the car-pool lane

our desire to connect without commitment, ensures we all know our place

from a couch, dead leaves

heaving

gasping for breathe while every leaf-raked emotion blows around my head again, kicked up, stirred, perfect-compartment piles shuffled through, kicked to the wind by your decision to enter again

through the front door

a home purposefully redecorated, walls torn down, your face not found, closets cleaned, memories unforgiven, now, NOW, you walk through the front yard on an autumn afternoon seeking refuge whilst destroying order

did you see the sidewalk?

what was in front of you?

that’s what led to tight lipped moments together

your inability to understand the means

an end

which means

you have no understanding of what this means, implications, outcomes, your finality, it’s in sight

again

you need to be told twice

don’t think

it’s alright

i’ll use a blower next time, and burn the remnants of early spring’s green hope