death

from a stool, i observed a stream and kept seeing the same thing

Posted on by andrewsmeyer

how does it end?

who really wants to know?

it’ll only destroy pathways where we push, pull, and grow

flip to the last page?

no idea why

purpose, a repeated ritual sky

what do we seek while meandering our way to a maintained middle

there is no finale, finally

no diner scenes

no loved characters dying in back alleys

no dimming of lights

saying goodbye

choppers heading east, there’s more pain waiting at home

seems hopeless

nothing to achieve

deal again

more cards up my sleeve

milestones, markers, bar mitzvah, nuts dropping, transformative moments to those who notice

those partaking

those affected

i write without guard rails

i write to tell our tales

i write to disguise us as one another

i write to separate pain in the egg where we developed and begged, to begin again

without an end

this can’t be it

i’m still here

holding onto a number

waiting in line

from a porch, the answer my friend…

Posted on by andrewsmeyer

your job is to ask tough questions

we’ve been taught not to answer

someone from the other side

breathing in and out cancer

cells multiplying rapidly, empathy paralyzed

perspectives dizzy when i turn my head

stay forward

horse parades

don’t spook the hatred

hoof beats pound forgotten dirt, demanding attention

it’s used up

passion poured out to disposes the drifters who were led without knowing

another path exists

home life excuses

tempting nooses

hanging tree galleries

branches bending, we’re all grafted

one seed

breaking, with the slightest breeze brought across seas, caught in wind pouring from your inquiries, we forgot how to address, critical diseases

critical, we need them

complete your task

i’ll formulate a response, they’ll never know

i tried

from my brother’s bed, breaching time zones

Posted on by andrewsmeyer

inhaling the last bits of pleasure

i can’t seem to remember where i placed our memories of mundane moments mixed with afternoon-lunch smiles making this whole thing worthwhile

slowly chewing sandwiches assembled by grandma’s withered hands, mayonnaise soaked white bread, slabs of brand names

what was it?

this “thing”

descriptors dance away as i work to dash and play with the only pieces that will make you stay

jagged puzzle edges, gaps reminding us we’ll never feel comfort

together

my stomach ached

after you left

regurgitate, savor the theft of agonizing daylight that awaits us

from a porch, walk by

Posted on by andrewsmeyer

i stepped aside to let you pass

an insecure tempo-flow

too fast, you laugh at my gait

scurried-chop steps

too slow, annoyed, making you late

wandering uneven

an insecure state, where i live

the city, a constant drone of self-doubt

my home, decorated with draining desires to be like everyone else, at ease

or so it seems

on this path from here-to-there, the intersection of opened-eyed nights and self-talk lips, replaying the tone of my voice when i said ‘really’ in surprise to your recent trip, did it drip with the disconnected insincerity i’m afraid it did?

i didn’t mean it that way

i really, meant really, an affirmation of wonder at the way you walk through life without blunder, until the thunder, then you scurry, upended ego, hiding

i emerge to dance in the rain, develop friendship with pain, the grime caught underneath squeaky shopping cart handles makes me sane, knowing i can hurt again

and again

and again

the clouds lift

and you pass by

i shuffle along, after counting to five, a self-aware fuck up, pulling my shirt, chewing sleeves, smoking endlessly, everything to repel you away so i can confirm how shitty of a companion i would be without knowledge of how to simply be, immersed in weather conversations, where you work, my god, pictures of your grandma, a dead dog

i can’t walk beside you

please

don’t look back

from a porch, processed in a dream

Posted on by andrewsmeyer

misty rain pockets, snatched and swirled across mid-afternoon sunbursts, wind welcoming westward expansion with sustenance

refreshment

a reason to pause long enough

observing your half-painted nails nervously being bitten through lips i disguise in daydream-dodges of reality, dropping now to dig through earth-colored spears held up with fertile mixed soil and mud

standing erect around you, bendable gripped by you

able to be destroyed

by you

they’re not pursed, your lips that is, during these moments of momentary mindlessness only i know exist

like they are now

they rest, slightly ajar, an invitation to drop winter’s armor

and take a chance

if only i didn’t have to ask

for you to join me here

refreshed by summer’s surprise

softening our eyes

i now realize

i’m not alone

from a porch, for tomorrow

Posted on by andrewsmeyer

our converse conversations, starting within the end, didn’t end abruptly

words eased to a lull, i tightened my high tops and shot back across town where i knew the shaggy headed kids smoked cigarettes and threw pickles against coffee shop windows cheering cured cucumbers to the ash filled table below

sixteen and without fucks

i was always the nice guy

“more like a friend”

nine-passenger wagon rides to skank filled concert halls, white-reggae dancing

eye-lined boys, boundaries moved

lake-side-plume-filled-sweatshirt walks tasting dollar-fifty lip gloss, inhaling a “twenties” worth of virginities perspiration on the nape of her insecure neck

i was young once

engrossed in moments, enmeshed in the now, talking to you

going no where

inverse discussions

without end

from a porch, grim interactions

Posted on by andrewsmeyer

we need to talk

i’ll lift back the curtain

lower my face

walk out, listen

you will too

commands set the tone

heightened emotions cloned

and we can’t extend this phone line made with tape and twine far enough from begging ears to pretend we’re alone, with monster fears

under-explained

while over-zealous tears beg for forgiveness

never attained

comments continue the misinterpretation of dreams we share for a future aware that this window blank stare won’t find a way to care

as we listen to the off-beat blare of distant heartbeats

i watch you

assumption-breathes find and fog glass

we are separate

it’s used as backdrop to write ‘die’

as you walk by and i’ve never even asked you your name

assumptions

that’s you

a whole bucket full of my assumptions

you’re neither rubber nor glue you haven’t a clue that i drew your shoe, red, white, and blue, knowing your name wasn’t Boo, and i couldn’t Radley an understanding of what you’ve been through, but this two-dimensional false-attempt makes me feel better

kill the birds

i don’t jump when your name is called

i told you we need to talk

behind the walls

so you couldn’t hear

and i could say ‘i tried’

from a porch, rain is coming

Posted on by andrewsmeyer

grafted personalities with wind-blown hairdos did the desert dance in sand filled bedrooms while clutching arid histories against milk depleted breasts

hope crumbled as swirling dirt devils divided what happened

with

what was wished for

we can’t taste the innocence of a sour dairy kiss anymore, without wondering which farm you wandered away from

developing a future, progeny

will cease

birds will fly

dogs will bark

worms will weasel through holes, no longer visiting the sea

we came together, for destruction

brought together, so they could continue on

from an airport, excuse me

Posted on by andrewsmeyer

tongue tied

i lost my footing and tripped into a torture chamber

landing, wide-eyed, squinting about unable to find a way out

strained wrinkles messing my face, a rearranged place that mind-shadows cast years ago in half-lit rooms, i ran in circles, a single cloud followed my gloom

after days trapped alone i started building my tomb, until i heard whispers from above, something about a dove and desert blooms

faint glimpses of hope under half moons

happiness kept at bay, waiting out the storm

i missed my chance

contrasts, duality blasts, me and you

one morning, by my best estimation, i found my words

i screamed through echo chamber hallways that led me to fluorescent buzzing, illuminating everything, obnoxiously

i can’t hide!

how do i know when i’m good enough?

without the ability to fall again

through the floor

how much lower?

this is the end?

i can’t trip again, into your hole

free to die

speaking my mind

from a strange bed, short lived insight

Posted on by andrewsmeyer

standing in line waiting for you to come out

leaving the door open would have helped me hear the shouts of your bruised arms battling another night wishing he’d come home

it doesn’t matter that we stayed

he couldn’t stand to reflect on the bed we made, believing tonight was the last time we’d feel hope

go to sleep now

it’s time