she woke up wondering where she was

slowly stepping her way through a steel encased tunnel each shuffle of her feet hitting repeat repeat repeat turning around to the sound of something left down. there? where? it was the echo behind and what was ahead couldn’t have been enough to get her out of bed the pounding now throbbing it brought her to her knees and suddenly the memory of an entry flashed and stayed an image splayed at what became an opening. gathering strength and speed she was running now. arms flailing, sweat breaking, everything blurring to a stop. 
she was sitting at the kitchen table looking at you. lower lip trembling, eyes swelling, hands hidden underneath the table. starring. where had she gone for those few moments you were busy with your bread and soup, had you forgotten it takes time to remind the one with who you bind that you want them around. that saturday afternoon tugging at sheets meant more than rapid heart beats and imagining other people you meet. encased, engrossed, lost with a ghost the merger of two host to host symbiotic and sonic boom i’m on it grabbing a moment to be in that place tossed in the funnel of situations that bring you to the now, not wondering how a hello brought you to this.

she gets up and stretches her arms, revealing all the places you’ve harmed, can you even look. 

he liked the word particularly especially early in the morning when he’d have to pause between the ‘c’ and ‘u’ to make sure he got the ‘ularly’ part right. he generally used it referring to the weather. how cool it was that day. i think he thought it differentiated that day from others. it stood out. we were progressing to uniqueness. he sat alone and often spoke to himself. picking and looking through his mind he’d slowly pull out the best idea before waiting for a recipient and the words came mostly inane it was tragedy that had to claim the rest of the sunlight he held square in the palm of his hand and you know what? it was a girl that told him that once, a real live human, now, he’d remind the oxygen of this, a real live girl. the jock strapped sunday stunners would stop and poke, one in the group often spoke and the others nodded their numbed out nub of a head and shuffled on. he would look up on occasion. eyes searching back and forth like they had at the dinner table years ago when mom and dad still had to know how desperate he was to find something his own not this train station soundboard standing in line coward stopping and singing because no body would hear him it’s the oddity not the human being the spliced into religion sewer dwellers making potion who reign down without thought which criminal should get caught and store bought lenses to parade through life only catching glimpses of what he does every night it’s not rosey fellow and certainly not free it’s a particularly shitty place that he’d rather not be and like a lamp fixture on your night stand that sits in the day you walk past and believe it’s apart of what you pay for while getting from here to there and your important job that you leave and impair every synapse dwelling without care just stop once and pay some particular attention to a man who was tossed aside by everyone.

I sat there alone waiting for you to come back

it wasn’t until years later i’d find out where you’d been. i pealed a scab and stuck it in my mouth, i remember looking over to find an old ladies eyes resting uneasily on my misgivings. my shoes scuffed the ground and squeaked while they dragged me out screaming through tears the whole length of your name. i hated sitting in the back of their car, you always let me ride up front. less of letting and more of not wanting to move all of your shit to the trunk as we road from bunk to bunk, kids poking fun at the way i stunk and now when the foul odor lingers i smile and wonder where you ended up. I was fine. there were teachers and social workers, the guy at the deli and police officers. everyone but you. i often feel stupid that i waited that extra half hour for you. now i claw at that memory and space out on a scar, bellybutton gazing when my mind goes too far. wrinkled out, the only time you fed me without complaining. maybe you did, i only heard a murmur. your contempt back then let me know what i was.

parading around in a panda suit while pinching the sides of coke cans he interacted with the world until that day the whispers whisked him away and now there are a few more frowns that walk this way while he may not have been polite or kept that smile in plain sight the intention to illicit a response from eyebrows was quite evident and we need that data to measure those minds and i’ve developed a rubric to determine if you’ve become more kind. ask. anecdotal. how do you feel about yourself? yet, it doesn’t work that way. real information, sir. i need to be told while watching this thing unfold the absent minded mold of moment to moment goals. a child careening from class with one last mask, bustling to the enlightenment task of figuring out who she is. the light gilded her face as she worked to replace what her parents forged into her malleable skin. it comes from within. he took the suit last Monday. walking through Wednesday and losing track of Friday finally giving in to the fact that features will never remain intact as we interact bumping elbows and driving station wagons understanding this is life again. i tried. please forgive those desperate moments of insecurity. without bells to welcome the arrival, i give you this one last dance. entertain the idea i’m breakable and will send seven years of bad luck your way if you’re not careful.

stills left on the kitchen table 

a shot of you when less able

i sat along while you were crumbling 

a situation just kept tumbling

what did you want me to do?

where was that when you were you

now a fraction left alone

a silent thought waiting on the phone

messages i never got 

future attempts that i dropped

a stoic time when we were stills

a moment when nothing seemed to maaaaatter

it didn’t seem like any of that maaaattered

a space and life behind

now i listen while you’re blind

the passions tied us to our posts

a lesson left for our ghosts

to dance and wonder what we meant

just stills now dancing on the pavement 

i lost you in that place

remnants of a forgotten place

now its nothing just your face

on stills i carry and retrace

you think i want to feel this way

disgusting and half sure 

clash bangs ringing through my head 

voices disguised 

perhaps that’s the reason masks on strangers, acquaintances, or friends cause me to recoil. yet, they’re always there, the last one of choice without consequence terrifies me. everything else is as it should be. regardless i spent the day wrapped tight striking out to make sure you stay away 

i didn’t push myself out of this position 

it would have been fetal the memory of that is too painful 

there are young eyes observing this dance with demented demons talking, switching, and pounding my eyes. i see you and them and then there’s them steering 

which way to go?

If I were half way between here and there i’d decide based off of where you’re going.

Distracted.

lemon scented hallways 

you’re the one who brought me here

seriously, don’t get too close it’s one thing to tell you i can’t maintain but if you knew what was behind the splintered frame i know i’d lose more than my name at least to a few who matter when these wild wind thoughts scatter 

go ahead, touch the grey matter that filters these promises of ‘i’ll get betters’ there isn’t a better 

naked and seeking i begin peaking into your top drawer to figure out what for and underneath unworn underwear i find what first captured my still born heart in a time when i needed you. i can’t do this. continuing to walk side-by-side and share the shame you point and claim it’s them who can’t figure it all out. i make bathroom excuses to fill the void, coming back more human than droid yet no less ready to feel anyone’s reality, we flee. just you and me storming down side streets in first falling rain they think it’s careless love, a post card in their collection of images to ease considering they are desperately seeking another place where scream shouts aren’t heard, how could they let you see this side, with thirty years of fear frighteningly flying out of mouths using words capturing messy ketchup caps and left on lights. can’t you grow up and stop this fight. tonight, they ran too far. crossing carelessly it wasn’t their abandoning of one another , but a car who didn’t see them. headlights. and release from misery. for them. he now carried their deaths the rest of his days.

the frail features that aren’t shone in the light are what frightens me when we’re dusted by morning sights that aren’t quite clear and nestled away 
there are three things i expect to happen. 

if you leave now there’s a better chance

when the leaf unfurls and the captain arrives i’ll know it’s complete 

the captain is kind really a pirate half blind enters stage left to keep things quiet. from time to time he’ll whisper a line mostly he comes to chew out the behind of passerby’s and near miss lovers. take the blanket too. 

red helps

not too much

yet, it inspires me

rising from a shocking place

a relic left to erratically erase

this classic chatter and bus station banter 

stand next to me

just stand

i don’t need anything else 

stop

you’re talking again

it’s not that i don’t want to hear you

it’s the pressure to return after you hear me

once you find out

there’ll be little reason for you to stay

i’m not what you thought

Is that you?

same thoughts and disturbed view everyday left with the few who follow sympathy and lag behind misery this cross legged toad that sat alone sniffing out the bog to find home never moving far enough away from you and curfew was eight mate so find a date who won’t judge this decision to escape to a place where poetry doesn’t rely on pain here’s a happy thought, before i start let me warn you writing happy sets me off. not happy in and of itself if left on the shelf we can observe the way this often used idea gets batted about we question its existence where does it lurk sadness is something we tend to jerk by the collar of confusion with little delusion that it’s a state we can relate and tears get questioned as often as your smile so skeptical we are of one another’s denial file that away. what’s behind that? you do it too much. it’s fake your fake for fucks sake let’s make a mask much less malleable maybe skeletons it’s why they’re favored if left to bones of existence we’d have to explain ourselves better it wouldn’t be shown or overblown we’d be less alone and not always pulling at this phone. pushing more than pulling yet who is extolling the belief that i care what you’d share suddenly i would be less bare i’ll make a mask out of anything wood straw or brick i’m all three piggies living in the thick of some quickly read book with no meaning. clever or full of shit i question that everyday. it could really go either way. hiding. 

yawns that pass time with regularity it’s a nervous reaction to the lack of clarity i can hardly see anymore through the lens you gave me and now i must try with more sincerity it’s hard to muster the strength to stride through the dining room of where you reside and why do people have these cornered off rooms that never get used show pieces to another time when we worked to impress and shove the shininess of our dimes into walls that can’t hear laughter 

#2

i haven’t stopped listening

it’s hard sometimes to hear through the mumble of people nearby

so, i lean in to lick the lecture you provide it comes so easily and now i must confide that i don’t care what comes out of your mouth

it’s all about going south to discover what happens when longitude dwindles and latitude lingers inside this coffin of forbidden situations will you take me with you where we don’t need mittens where i can feel the frost and not get bitten experience the sunset and the purr of a kitten, yet i hate that sound it’s rhythmic pound and claws kneading tender spots that i’m needing to clear away or put plastic on today armor that can be penetrated and broke before you spoke i knew what your reply would be. ‘stay home’ where you are free to have more than just me and when the time comes for you to flee i’ll be here standing alone by the tree of forgiveness.