waiting outside your door

i only knocked once

i heard shuffling without getting up

so i picked up my face and skirted away undressing every memory you taught me to display so they’d see what you wanted

i’m drifting now

place to place in hopes of finding space where i can stretch and feel the sorrow

memories of when we were whole with ripped jeans, rubbing knees, feeding my finger under the fray

wiggling waiting for you to stay fixed on where we were

then the drugs kicked in

you saw everyone was just like me

i lost you

i kept pounding amnesia up my nose

and sticking your warm body blankets in-between my toes so they wouldn’t see what we meant when we said we were up late

on a routine romantic date

capturing more reasons to slink down the path of fragmented trials and miles of guile that we kicked through on our way home

a silver stained sink, scared sofas and a toilet we deserved

i saw the way out

you couldn’t seem to find your shout against earlier year disasters falling in your face that shamed you to believe that was your place

a place to pace and try to erase

unfortunately

you only wrote in sharpie

i want to see you again

begin this thing again

but what i want and you give are sneaking down our dirty life sieve slowly draining my desire to battle with your friend

i can’t see him again

i wish you well

keep the lights dim

i stood in line yesterday waiting for the reason

a man at the front focused on confusion was whispering in sign seekers ears

he claimed he could clearly define the reason we are here

hedge my bets

give it a try

touch the liar to get to the sky

signs will always point to unclear

when we shake up plastic canisters that capture temptation

i ate off your plate

cold and dry

condiments couldn’t cut through the cancer causing changes you promote pushing away decency for hope and a flag left on the ground waiting for someone else’s definition of that burial mound where good intentions fell asleep and were covered in dirt gladly heaped on by those trying to heal

i left line before getting to his lies

the whispers were deafening

i need to be punished by the screams

it’s my fault

jack hammers hit the floor as i close the door and contemplate the endless question “what for”

why do i write of loss and pain lightening disasters and fleeting rain when moments i claim are spent walking with flowering dahlias caught in green house clusters providing a memory when daylight fostered times i spent with you and you and you

home

that’s four of us looking in drawers to discover the way we can be if left alone in our freshly

planted tree born from seeds that joined in figure eights-fantasies’ perfection in infinity clashing with hope that dashed from end zone to end zone waiting for a whistle

that never comes

we did it

this thing

we can’t be done

we’re doing

pronouns to puncture the singularity of gobbling guilt from every family dinner plate knowing we can’t be late to the very important date that rabbits whisper in our ear

we’ll rise together from this table

more stable and able to disable the. fake eyebrow gleams of bellyaching screams searching for a wall to bounce from

and back

and forth

and back

now north

and back

we go

to challenge the undertow and swim free

Woke up feeling the comfort of tube sock day dreams when all i had to do was smile and you would catch my fear in the side of your cheek where your tongue once lived

it’s not easy

feeling the sideways charm of one whose reach is made to teach more than me

i’m selfish

it’s hard to share the chair with those who stare at the sound of a snare as i rump pump into the room lost to the fake eyed gloom of ones who take advantage of carousel emotions dipping so low the high is unmatched

standing by crying

wishing you would even out

and stay put

stop losing yourself in dead arm survival kits created for match stick boys who can’t even carve decoys worth luring those flying south to sit in a pond of filth fucking water waiting to be shot

why bother

it’s got to clear

this constant window craving

lights blinking

on off on off on off on stop off on quit off on

for me to hold them a little longer

compare

contrast

dare

give me the test

sunshine stains on the window sill reminded me

what is now fades

unless we pull the shades

a private good night spoken before i role and clutch my pillow

eventually opening my eyes to everything else but you

surprise to tell

it’s nothing new

lying next to me

i can hear, see, and smell the memory

living

we run to the sidelines panting and heaving every misgiving a syndrome worth relieving to relish in relativity

light coming down from this time

we squeezed every drop and forgot to taste the satisfaction fixed on a grandmothers face try to find a request that doesn’t involve delivering some thought of catching contraband born humans picked up in furniture stained houses sipping capri sun and downing doritos when widows watched predawn news with hope of making it to the mid day blues of soap opera clashes and drama flashes just open the windows and look outside clyde is leaving fran’s house and they aren’t friends unless without her blouse i see that as i hide in a corner feeding with a mouse-foreigner squabbling for cheese to please the me’s that i forget to be when dolly madison licked her finger and put a new spin on dessert from plastic unwrap and go back to basics i need a new fix to fund my figurine collection that sits in a panting shelf waiting for you to remember me at christmas where my list is deserted by the pressing need to make sure you’re happy and i have greed

speed up time and get out of this situation trapped by elation i want to be sad again fueling my rages and art kept in cages for this part where happiness actually exists and i pine for kicking stones alone catching the eyes of a girl on a phone who notices i can’t continue on wishing for the day a paper mache donkey gets smacked around and rains candy all over those gorgeous mop headed dolts pretending this tradition belongs to them then sitting in your den waiting for warm meat and dancing clowns to create a version of popping sounds that can’t be traced to ancestral roots flutes playing bach was boring and i need to cut my toe nails

thought about you this morning

the words left me so i kept pouring over the page in utter nonsense

the chakra demons came for Amiee’s ashes yesterday

she could never get high enough when you were around figuring she’d bloom later when temptation walked in and her flower devoured sin

is there a place i can go?

don’t keep “baby, i don’t know oh, oh oh,” me

you preach to the hurting with that stubborn face and dive once more as he’s chosen your space through magnolia wind and forget-me-nots

give to me

this is the heel theme for you a darkened american dream where days come down for nyc girls panting in rain soaked shoes

it’s really just a message to myself

i crossed bridges to remember late last december having ontological intercourse with Talisa

left to feel your best

alone

knowing

you didn’t really do that

this is all temporary

that’s why we must press on with immediacy

not running around fleet of foot, but with ideas that propel us from the inevitable soot of life’s end and the beginning of memories wedged deep in the recesses of minds that still travel in a temporal world of light and grass a moment that flashed before their eyes developing a sense of wonder and cries, tears that adjust to emotions of pain and lust, loss and a blush.

songs that provide background passages to trigger situations traveling through time unwinding and winding and unwinding and winding, ebb and flow, darkness and that glow. the hum of magnetic ties of energy pools that synthesize our past and present, reaching for moments when we will present as a whole beating heart withdrawing an individuals part for this act is nothing more than every act all destroying the concept that we are under attack from false idols and plain dwellers who hide out in bank cellars wishing and waiting to take what was theirs as they climb the stairs to a world that won’t exist when the creatures from above start to resist every bastardizing mockery we made of their belonging.

we never wanted them.

it was, and continues to be, a fake figment, an illumination casting shadows in shapes of delusion hoping to light our way home. A home we ran from since understanding it wouldn’t be in the space travel excitement that cradles the churning pleas of a sea where we finally rest and cease to be.

it’s me.

she called out to me

i waited for the second time

before muffling an ‘in here’

‘where?’

i was panting, curled in a ball, still in the dark

‘here’

i heard a muffled ‘damnit’ as she rushed by again. we played this game every weekend. i was certain she was smiling with the call and response escapade that ended in a ‘oh, you’.

‘hey’ it had been longer than usual ‘are you there? Becky?’

there was nothing

should i come out?

this wasn’t how we did things

‘hello?’

i stuffed my insecurities inside, breathed deep and sighed. pushing tears away knowing i trust you.

i get caught up watching you

it’s the habit you have of using everything i say and taking advantage of how that plays out in front of those you wish to impress

i stand by

it’s like a mirror yet you make it quite clear with your confidence and background information understanding the space station that landed in front of my face today

it was gray

interludes of melodies passing by in fantasies made for another time when my jeans were baggy and your heart sat near pounding in fear that i was the one who you would become

now we’re there

constantly pinching everyone i meet and pulling at the minuscule meat of what i’ll chew and move along with

thanks

that’s what i am

pieces

falling

when i die

you will all gather

(maybe not together, in the same room. unless your eyes are wide and you can consume the concept of infinity)

look around

i’m the amalgamation of all those faces i found

a broader view

so many races i lost in hopes of becoming nothing as you all used me

it worked

i handed myself out to death

spreading so thin

and you

i gave my last breath

inspiration

say hello to the ten thousand me’s

i thank you.