from a chair, distance from disaster

you stuck the wooden mallet down my throat and began churning out helpless emotions i stuffed deep years ago to dispel the myth that i am predetermined to your sink-disposal life they threw everything into before you ran away

i’m ok

it made me gag a little

i can taste the past

visions will never last

i bleached my eyeballs

knowing i had to keep moving

my sentences full of your pronouns

i forgot how to say her name

digesting symbols of those who came before the blame

it was them

jesus and the gang

names, like animal emotions

only for us

humans

i gurgled visions of father figure fuck over from a forged outcome past and spat hard on rocks as i kept walking

you’re behind me

motionless

the handle hangs out of your bludgeoned head

eyes resting

red

unfed

dead

from bed, we need to finish

cross bars form a place for pain

windows i toss my mind out to join the wind blown rain

draining my saturated soul once weighed down by self-doubt

i used to play a roll with every bystander who was waiting for me to release the chemical smells flourishing under my breath where secrets lived, developing fork tongues for the unleashing of private conversations

we’re here

out in the open

gazing through glass that shatters when stones were gathered and thrown by your wicked time ticking tone

from bed, dangling before you

knots tie themselves with the rope i swallowed

eating it seemed a better option

a limp lasso left resting in your hands would have given us a chance, we could’ve summons two strangers to swing our string in elliptical patterns while we jump in tandem heart beats

who’ll trip first?

when one goes

so does the other

we’re no different

sell me another story

one without glory

a riveting wrangling of words written to loosen the stitches holding me together

oozing sinewy strands i pick up

three hitches, better than a hangman’s

tether it to something

don’t leave me dangling with this doubt

i love you

from a porch, rain brought your memory

frail fingers fondled my daughter’s mop head prior to falling limp and lifeless hanging over hospital rails

passing on

releasing the touch of generations before, a push for resolute goals we shared in times of triumph when flags were raised

i can remember the way you tried to make me feel famous with homemade videos and designer jeans i couldn’t squeeze into, sugar and butter combinations continually streamed through your home

a mint rolling in your mouth, as drool slid down a double rolled chin, whiskers catching sunlight, i questioned your sin

was it leaving grandpa?

now, you’ve left us

not a single choice, yet you chose to live that way, running scared and strong, defensive with a will to belong

she’ll remember that touch

the stories i recreate

you’ve become the myth you always sought

from bed, let me sit

that moment was mine

you guided guilt to the sweet spot of time by myself, i rarely seek

it slipped out

comments spinning spells i cast when tragedy was traded for your personal gain

not sure what you got

i caught a train with a ticket i bought years ago

they honored my intentions

even though paper had expired

i hopped off at the first stop and crossed tracks still humming

the tune straddled my synapses

i sat under the turkey claw shade of a cherry tree in fall

alone

from a porch, you were going to hold me accountable

lollipop licking

contemplating your last statement while gazing out over breeze-blown tall grass, tempting the less cynical side of my spirit while sugary spit clumped in my throat, swallowing the artificial sweet side of life proved difficult

i kept sucking

i held back a cough, sure to be misinterpreted if it penetrated the atmosphere and confused the steady stream air

you don’t remember what you said?

the whisper that stripped me of everything i dreamt we had, only days earlier when i swayed in a string tied hammock we bought on vacation

you thought i was sleeping

your whispers found a way through the breeze

sentiments of regret were swept into my ears

i waited

for you to say more

instead

your hushed sigh echoed through my resting mind, changing letters in sequence and design to form your final

goodbye

so long

i opened my eyes to the sound of music song echoing playfully in my mind, easing the reality of moving on

under my cap brim shading the sun

a smile danced through my eyes

and quickly curled my lips, finally releasing

i can breathe again

from a bed, dried on the vine

shelter our young ones from the onslaught of instincts gone awry

hide them under covers, let them clutch fabric with tight paw grip, peaking out, waiting for us to leave, staying still when we, invariably, come back in

they wait

for us to forget

we’re the ones who tucked them in

when will they know the coast is clear

that presents are under the tree

and it’s safe to come out

feigned surprise guilt faces as they tumble down the staircase that erases the fears we fostered to maintain control

unwrapping hopes

they resort to tropes

left behind

codes to define

generation connections

crossing the line

we left no pictures

traces of our devastation

it lives behind their eyes

never mixing in their words

as they rewrite a past

better forgotten