from a porch, the answer my friend…

your job is to ask tough questions

we’ve been taught not to answer

someone from the other side

breathing in and out cancer

cells multiplying rapidly, empathy paralyzed

perspectives dizzy when i turn my head

stay forward

horse parades

don’t spook the hatred

hoof beats pound forgotten dirt, demanding attention

it’s used up

passion poured out to disposes the drifters who were led without knowing

another path exists

home life excuses

tempting nooses

hanging tree galleries

branches bending, we’re all grafted

one seed

breaking, with the slightest breeze brought across seas, caught in wind pouring from your inquiries, we forgot how to address, critical diseases

critical, we need them

complete your task

i’ll formulate a response, they’ll never know

i tried

from a porch, get in, again

i leaned with one leg up against wooden nail-riddled boards resting on a metal pole-shed, no one within miles, we just crossed the kansas line, i lit a cigarette and handed one to you

you were crouched, distant, without mind

pulling your hair back

one side at a time

squinted eyes

releasing with a puff, you rise

our song came on

we sang along

“stand here, (k)nowhere we’ve been

wrestling with sorrow that begs us to begin

again

running, finally a purpose

driven, beginnings always alter us

i won’t ever drift this far away again

i won’t tell you it’s you

it’s always me, again

pushing you away

hoping that you’ll stay, again”

we inhaled, looked down, and back up, averting eyes

“caverns of this sorrow i can’t escape

i see you up there…i can’t relate

come rescue me from this ruined fate

creaaaaaaaate

my morning stars…”

our eyes glaze

“…a moon that guides, it’s never near or far, a spiral destined to show us where we are

souls

crashing cars

that intertwine

reasons

we can’t decline

just stand here

let you be mine

again

again

and again”

your face turns to the car

“who’s drivin’?”

from a porch, senses found beneath shadows cast by desires

recognize

every

desire

don’t deny the side-eye

straight on

no mystery

curiosity

what comes next

i’ll save you the time

and vanish

drifting down settled-ground pathways stopping at the next town, making friends, gathering questions

i’ll leave lingering-lapsing stares with my good byes as i feign surprise it’s my time to supervise the situations that leave my droopy-mouth eyes resting on shadows cast on passer-byes who can’t make out the contours imprinting, lastingly, the lines where smiles used to glide without tension confusing my life, the beauty in simple motions guiding me from here to you, never noticing the differences, we nod, lazy minds prevail, the mind-numbing day’s spent wondering where we’d go after they discovered it’s a rehearsed show, every punchline stuck on repeat, rising on feet never meant to greet the fallen crest of fantasies we soared to when childhood dances didn’t know the difference in the way we looked at one another

read

every

denial

from a porch, fingers felt for the first time

her fingers felt funny for the first time

sometimes they’d make me laugh

mostly with one extended behind my father’s back

he always thought you were sweet

his word

not mine

i knew how that would twist and be redefined, years of college classes exercised

more so, listening when people speak

this “funny”, a newly-felt-defensive word, unease, an end near

prior, there were long strokes, wrist to unattended biceps, chin to cheek bone, i’d wince, you’re the only one who could invade my space, alone, trying to concentrate on the intention, not the sensation, a grown up tone, not teenage moans

those would come

i’d have to make sure it was you

cat-scratch back, i pretended to nap

you know i never could

this isn’t a longing poem

i’ve written enough of those

what could have been

what will be

will be

your movie ending reminded me of that

que sera

sera

sera

que?

they felt funny because i finally understood, you were connecting without a finality goal, prolonging the pull of unseen forces, no remorses

they felt funny, because i finally felt, how you feel

from a room standing, quick fix, the end is near

that’s why i do it

to ruin the equation

nothing adds up

unless you’re apt to persuasion

i could convince you, we’ve changed

the drilling in my brain

it’d be a lie

starving reality, death to morality, let’s bludgeon the sky with scared-straight souls whose only goals are to devour enough dollar signs to know they need more

i do it to punish them

it’s that

or us

from a pool, saturated in smiles – denials

spots in my memory

i’ve spent too much time focusing on the negative spaces, bridges between gaps

failing to recognize us

stumbles between shutter snaps

less encumbered by what restrained smiles and carefree denials brought, when we were spontaneous, without warning

curious

left yearning

exercise those recollections

picture book romance

divided into sections

beginning

middle

end

transitions don’t exist, framed explanations for why

reel back, it’s worth while

piled up resentments, towered over yesterday’s smile-wide dream

knock it down

we can’t restart

continue

turn the corner where we fell away, frailty

okay

spots aren’t deserted

balance

for where we’ve been

from a porch, i rewatched our movie on a plane, alone

i watched it again

that movie we cried exiting fifteen years earlier

without kids

renting space, dodging death

insecure emotions hidden under excited revelations that we’ll choose to be together during early morning parades to regret

those feelings persist, developing, different desires

window dressing our fires of passion for who we become holding hands

comfortable enough to exchange blank spaces of rot we carried in backpacks filled before we met

we unpack

resentment piles grow

the weight is lessened

exposure, it’s surface

we must look

to remember who is who

it’s eternal, the sunshine

my mind, is full

accepting, it’s nothing you stole

we’re in the right spot

change the goal