from a porch, senses found beneath shadows cast by desires

recognize

every

desire

don’t deny the side-eye

straight on

no mystery

curiosity

what comes next

i’ll save you the time

and vanish

drifting down settled-ground pathways stopping at the next town, making friends, gathering questions

i’ll leave lingering-lapsing stares with my good byes as i feign surprise it’s my time to supervise the situations that leave my droopy-mouth eyes resting on shadows cast on passer-byes who can’t make out the contours imprinting, lastingly, the lines where smiles used to glide without tension confusing my life, the beauty in simple motions guiding me from here to you, never noticing the differences, we nod, lazy minds prevail, the mind-numbing day’s spent wondering where we’d go after they discovered it’s a rehearsed show, every punchline stuck on repeat, rising on feet never meant to greet the fallen crest of fantasies we soared to when childhood dances didn’t know the difference in the way we looked at one another

read

every

denial

from a porch, fingers felt for the first time

her fingers felt funny for the first time

sometimes they’d make me laugh

mostly with one extended behind my father’s back

he always thought you were sweet

his word

not mine

i knew how that would twist and be redefined, years of college classes exercised

more so, listening when people speak

this “funny”, a newly-felt-defensive word, unease, an end near

prior, there were long strokes, wrist to unattended biceps, chin to cheek bone, i’d wince, you’re the only one who could invade my space, alone, trying to concentrate on the intention, not the sensation, a grown up tone, not teenage moans

those would come

i’d have to make sure it was you

cat-scratch back, i pretended to nap

you know i never could

this isn’t a longing poem

i’ve written enough of those

what could have been

what will be

will be

your movie ending reminded me of that

que sera

sera

sera

que?

they felt funny because i finally understood, you were connecting without a finality goal, prolonging the pull of unseen forces, no remorses

they felt funny, because i finally felt, how you feel

from a room standing, quick fix, the end is near

that’s why i do it

to ruin the equation

nothing adds up

unless you’re apt to persuasion

i could convince you, we’ve changed

the drilling in my brain

it’d be a lie

starving reality, death to morality, let’s bludgeon the sky with scared-straight souls whose only goals are to devour enough dollar signs to know they need more

i do it to punish them

it’s that

or us

from a pool, saturated in smiles – denials

spots in my memory

i’ve spent too much time focusing on the negative spaces, bridges between gaps

failing to recognize us

stumbles between shutter snaps

less encumbered by what restrained smiles and carefree denials brought, when we were spontaneous, without warning

curious

left yearning

exercise those recollections

picture book romance

divided into sections

beginning

middle

end

transitions don’t exist, framed explanations for why

reel back, it’s worth while

piled up resentments, towered over yesterday’s smile-wide dream

knock it down

we can’t restart

continue

turn the corner where we fell away, frailty

okay

spots aren’t deserted

balance

for where we’ve been

from a porch, i rewatched our movie on a plane, alone

i watched it again

that movie we cried exiting fifteen years earlier

without kids

renting space, dodging death

insecure emotions hidden under excited revelations that we’ll choose to be together during early morning parades to regret

those feelings persist, developing, different desires

window dressing our fires of passion for who we become holding hands

comfortable enough to exchange blank spaces of rot we carried in backpacks filled before we met

we unpack

resentment piles grow

the weight is lessened

exposure, it’s surface

we must look

to remember who is who

it’s eternal, the sunshine

my mind, is full

accepting, it’s nothing you stole

we’re in the right spot

change the goal

from my brother’s bed, breaching time zones

inhaling the last bits of pleasure

i can’t seem to remember where i placed our memories of mundane moments mixed with afternoon-lunch smiles making this whole thing worthwhile

slowly chewing sandwiches assembled by grandma’s withered hands, mayonnaise soaked white bread, slabs of brand names

what was it?

this “thing”

descriptors dance away as i work to dash and play with the only pieces that will make you stay

jagged puzzle edges, gaps reminding us we’ll never feel comfort

together

my stomach ached

after you left

regurgitate, savor the theft of agonizing daylight that awaits us

from a bed in indiana, the end of seasons

i stifled spring movements, not wanting to feel your hope

and slipped into a self-conscious coma

horizontal peace without pomp and a head stone

i satisfied your need for me to be around

without obligation

i blink

you nod

i hear you

saying a name not chosen

sounds to gain my attention

i got up to rub your empty bottle

three times, i begged to be alone

you found it before me

at the bottom

i gathered my belongings and walked out

golden brown red carpet patches swishing underneath shuffling feet

directionless, hopelessly moving towards fall’s apathy