from a porch, i rewatched our movie on a plane, alone

i watched it again

that movie we cried exiting fifteen years earlier

without kids

renting space, dodging death

insecure emotions hidden under excited revelations that we’ll choose to be together during early morning parades to regret

those feelings persist, developing, different desires

window dressing our fires of passion for who we become holding hands

comfortable enough to exchange blank spaces of rot we carried in backpacks filled before we met

we unpack

resentment piles grow

the weight is lessened

exposure, it’s surface

we must look

to remember who is who

it’s eternal, the sunshine

my mind, is full

accepting, it’s nothing you stole

we’re in the right spot

change the goal

from my brother’s bed, breaching time zones

inhaling the last bits of pleasure

i can’t seem to remember where i placed our memories of mundane moments mixed with afternoon-lunch smiles making this whole thing worthwhile

slowly chewing sandwiches assembled by grandma’s withered hands, mayonnaise soaked white bread, slabs of brand names

what was it?

this “thing”

descriptors dance away as i work to dash and play with the only pieces that will make you stay

jagged puzzle edges, gaps reminding us we’ll never feel comfort


my stomach ached

after you left

regurgitate, savor the theft of agonizing daylight that awaits us

from a bed in indiana, the end of seasons

i stifled spring movements, not wanting to feel your hope

and slipped into a self-conscious coma

horizontal peace without pomp and a head stone

i satisfied your need for me to be around

without obligation

i blink

you nod

i hear you

saying a name not chosen

sounds to gain my attention

i got up to rub your empty bottle

three times, i begged to be alone

you found it before me

at the bottom

i gathered my belongings and walked out

golden brown red carpet patches swishing underneath shuffling feet

directionless, hopelessly moving towards fall’s apathy

from a guest bed, today is still yesterday

cast away civility

settle the score

stand up, show them what you came here for


spit and spats

this and that

we struck forces with even-power will

no ones hands were raised

sharing leftovers

moving on

two plus two equals four

when divided by itself, there is nothing more

it was getting late, they conferred, waved authoritative hands in a blur, ushering us off the field unsure

there are no ties

losers made of us all

when we defeat humanities call

destroying beginnings

an end, our fall

from a plane, someone else’s life

push back, feel me close

get away from the dream-time tricksters pretending there’s peace

i side-eye-squint your soft, flat, consideration-free face

fuck you

as i climb from one spasm fit movement to another, slam dancing flannel sheets

punching pillows

forcing sighs

falsetto goodbyes

resentment on the rise

wishing you were trampled by the chaos considerations that find comfort in the grey-matter recess i can’t erase

stuck on repeat

over and over and over and over

colluding with tantrum-rage fits

spawned by lack of order, the arrangements of social borders, engagements, a place holder, resting on shoulders of dates i hope never come

i can make that happen

i won’t

Another Way points her finger at me, giggling without regret

she can’t stay, dis-appointment reminders



never pull

or, i might never change

from bed, actions from words turned to the side

we waited


letters we wrote, locked love to the future

one day, they’ll pick open the shackles of our tune

will it move you?

will you know the words to a song sung in midnight pants, over shoulders


a final “good night”

“good night”

a foreign language, we conceived

they’ll peel envelopes open, unfold paper, read between lines, pen marks indecipherable







during closed-eyed moments

warding off discussion

interpretive movements

our emotions pressed firm, smudged blue

a clue to the few

who also grew

entwined to another

acceptance, unnecessary

confirmation, blasphemy

it’s ours

from a porch, walk by

i stepped aside to let you pass

an insecure tempo-flow

too fast, you laugh at my gait

scurried-chop steps

too slow, annoyed, making you late

wandering uneven

an insecure state, where i live

the city, a constant drone of self-doubt

my home, decorated with draining desires to be like everyone else, at ease

or so it seems

on this path from here-to-there, the intersection of opened-eyed nights and self-talk lips, replaying the tone of my voice when i said ‘really’ in surprise to your recent trip, did it drip with the disconnected insincerity i’m afraid it did?

i didn’t mean it that way

i really, meant really, an affirmation of wonder at the way you walk through life without blunder, until the thunder, then you scurry, upended ego, hiding

i emerge to dance in the rain, develop friendship with pain, the grime caught underneath squeaky shopping cart handles makes me sane, knowing i can hurt again

and again

and again

the clouds lift

and you pass by

i shuffle along, after counting to five, a self-aware fuck up, pulling my shirt, chewing sleeves, smoking endlessly, everything to repel you away so i can confirm how shitty of a companion i would be without knowledge of how to simply be, immersed in weather conversations, where you work, my god, pictures of your grandma, a dead dog

i can’t walk beside you


don’t look back

from a porch, processed in a dream

misty rain pockets, snatched and swirled across mid-afternoon sunbursts, wind welcoming westward expansion with sustenance


a reason to pause long enough

observing your half-painted nails nervously being bitten through lips i disguise in daydream-dodges of reality, dropping now to dig through earth-colored spears held up with fertile mixed soil and mud

standing erect around you, bendable gripped by you

able to be destroyed

by you

they’re not pursed, your lips that is, during these moments of momentary mindlessness only i know exist

like they are now

they rest, slightly ajar, an invitation to drop winter’s armor

and take a chance

if only i didn’t have to ask

for you to join me here

refreshed by summer’s surprise

softening our eyes

i now realize

i’m not alone

from a tent, yesterday’s promise

waiting out the rain

the tempest designed the way i’ll remain if endeavors and truth tellers continue the cycle of eternities ring with the sound of tomorrow and what it will bring

when thinking through to the end before we contest what’s in front of us brings disaster’s grin

dissecting insects with tweezers left in a kitchen sink where tie offs lay limp and describe the indent we noticed when light hit your face after the first embrace

i let you go

wishing it was better this time


we’re wet

from a tent, mornings bring terror

skip sequence, break the mold

mix up order, restore peace

however, it’s only repositioned pain


broken nights thrown your way by people who should have known better always remain, indelible sharpie ink scrawls on your soul, shards that will cut through eventually, and leak memories of lamp-breaking nights into the bliss you thought could shroud dad’s finger waving and mom’s burnt cookies

wafers you found out weren’t good enough after neighborhood-sleepover birthday parties in fancier houses, staying with sewn together parents, frayed edges showing when the “unit” is alone

singed finger tips

your family ties were ripped at the seams in public squares

broken down stares

knowing you had to get out

facades developed, and destroyed

break circles

step out

only after roaring back

you must push them out

not down

move on