The ones who followed me,

racing to validation on Saturday afternoon sidewalks

they wanted neat lines and punctuation.

i thought of you soaked in insecurity, marred with the stains of wanting to be someone else

Structure and order.

temple rubbing Tuesday nights, skin shaking standoffs never ending plight

Easy to understand sentences.

i think of you, stomach a mess, presenting your best, wishing somehow this thing would leave your chest

No ambiguity.

she loved me once, i carried it for life

Words and phrases that were common enough to see your point

staring now through morning eyes at backlit screens with casual darkness shading everything

They didn’t want to read between the lines.

there is nothing else but for me to keep throwing thoughts and thinning my desires trying desperately to fit in

Tell me what to do

or at least not continue this sense of needing your nod.

lying here thinking about jello realizing i’m reduced to the guttural

a fuck off phrase that cuts to the core words flowery left on the floor, i used to hang them high a dangling reminder of beauty and death flying by, an insight masked, i do that a lot, get the shit out of your mouth a 13 year old student used to shout while i precious metal plated his punishment, he wanted it doled out. not sold. picking the words, the dressing, the tie, it’s a reminder i’m shuttering windows while writhing inside, trained to be shy? or, polite to the point it’s offensive and weak, i’ve taken your feelings into account too long, my strength is meek, pans filled with bubbling water left unattended, gotta add the powder cherry and lime mixed for a quick fix, knowing they’ll never come to our road, we gotta take a detour down to drown an emerging sound.

nazi punks fuck off should echo around.

direct transmission 

it’s all been weighed before we pull the two ton three tone trigger a hair line fracture hurts like a son of a gun it was you my sweet roll that left us undone sitting while we ravage the building of our past peace practices put into place so that we never erase the lessons forced upon us we just crawled out from under that rock the shade cold and quiet humility hoisted on people for their complacency rise up and listen it starts next door that is your mission we’re not removed and there still is time to hold hands again in our supermarket line and let’s see ourselves the manifestation of thought okay it with that kid in the parking lot look both ways reach out and see that we are all becoming the sea. Change. 

she said stop 

so we pulled off to the side of the road and held one another wondering how our clothes got us this far in a time travel fight we saw the stars yet left ourselves just enough space to listen to the words of one another and not let the moments of cataclysmic clashes rip at the core we were destined and drowning determined to see what the dawn in madrid wished for us to be and all the while whispering songs from the sign and detours are a must and one day we’ll resign to take another chance and dip sideways to that strangers glance 
i saw you yesterday.

torn, tortured, tried and true a trick to tempt the night, black and blue bonnets we wrapped on their heads to pretend they were proper it was a means to an end. know to be quiet and coy we’ll tell them when to bow and what to say. your warted elbow digging into my rib, hey i gave you that, step in to the filigree filled halls filtering friday fights what you wear shouldn’t be that tight fitting into something you’re always in sight i wish i may i wish i might it doesn’t matter day or night leave the light on the one that cast shadows under the door i can see you coming, clutching my pillow digging my nails it’s nothing now no one knows let me trail off into a dream the space where i grow something else a place that is slow i’m raising them, we’re crazing them, it’s lazy now, i’m trying how? I hope my shield will somehow spread to the length of your years.

it’s sound not fire 

though we’d eye the devastation before our ears could comprehend what mushroom vibrations in midnight places mean to the middle class who aren’t on vacation could we then agree that the situation is something not worth smothering our sister who was pregnant at sixteen over. i saw her dressed and alone waiting outside for love not methadone and the way you held your glare long enough to assure us you’d never be “that” as your mom wondered why there was always an empty chair, feet are bare, this family isn’t functioning to be dysfunction a portrait on a 90s goth kid’s chest reflecting our best a cultural enemy cause you couldn’t pass his test forgetting she has a back as you walk away 

where are you?

where did you go?

I can’t continue to make excuses thinking you’ll show and this line is long my lies a song if only the fury i hear would disappear 

it’s cold 

I’m freezing

oh, but you better make sure your child is rear facing while passing that cardboard sign 

i’ve memorized a few things from the past and this detour wasn’t our quest.  

Little did you know i’d walk out the door turn left and head to the department store of dreams and deeds one day they’ll die yet let the innocence of my decision disturb my time to place a nickel in the box and say goodbye its those songs i sing while slinging a sock against the trees that whisper for me and tucking you in is a nightly fee i absolve all that once was right too tight this pressure weighs on me and i can’t let it go the beauty of afternoon and the heat and glow gobbling up our hearts and wanting another show i can’t i can’t continue to play i must go home and leave it at bay safety in numbers is what they say a donut hole expression and plastered pay, just walk, go get out leave me the one holding our couch it’ll fall i’ll be fine and yesterday will knock.

August 7, 2017

You don’t have to keep fighting

we want equality though it has to look and taste like this hold on or grab a belt another round of assemblies are coming our way, can I join? where do i fit in these size 32 skinny jeans with shoes too big and a blousy shirt let me run to you in the summer when I can sneer at the other kids topless and full of dirt wishing we could touch base on common ground instead of sliding head first wondering if I were tagged and now you’re it, the one with the crown so let me be and you can sit alone on your throne picking the last bit of fat off a passed around bone the one that once helped us move to another place, seeds were planted and we lost our pace. standing still and sulking wishing we were over there.

You have to keep fighting.

August 6, 2017

i left it up to you when the spring came and fingers were blame the time to get your shrew was all the same a number line of hurt
i’m lost staring up waiting for classes to change wondering if I could rearrange structures crafted by control freaks creating control and want to continually capture little children’s imagination in an effort to rearrange free thought with more number lines an intrusion on our growth shuffled into believing spray paint on a wall is revolution it starts somewhere and who am i sitting fancy free suckling off the teat I bite something in there about chewing hands in ecstasy while ripping the food from drudgery and writing reports to snag your sinking soul

August 3, 2017

a continual connecting and fraying
all the while stitching a tapestry of growth finger tips fatigued and rejuvenated a duality that rests on the heightened anxiety of adventure when we sway as the swing pushing children’s feet and dream of them swimming in the deep holding tight and dipping, water wing freedom and diving into unknown lily pad laden lakes with no contest to keep