from bed, rushing

scenes I replay over and over shattering my ability to be me 

the me you want to see 

in times when tripping over my own feet is a relief

i’m the thief

wishing i could end this disbelief 

i’d rather take quick hit grief instead of this rubble with me underneath 

i gasp and struggle against broken rocks the climbing up 

the deafening ticks and tocks and tocks and ticks and ticks with clicks and clocks and kicks and all this pushing and pulling 

the wiggle without giggle 

astonished that i can still speak to you on the other side 

panic 

i seek to be trapped and know no comfort these words delivering every expected blow come to my side now 

leave them

the cranky bend of thoughts against awareness

i’m in control 

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