from the porch, i played better than i though i could

i thought it was my fault

i was trained to believe that

somehow “it” was

i’m so powerful

so mighty

that situations that switched around me in a moments notice, occurrences that washed away never discovering their outcomes

rested on my presence

a pretentious way to be raised

yet useful to absorb and wring out the guilt of those who know better

blame, such an unfortunate window sill we sit on while gathering light to press on for a few more minutes

sometimes i hope for seconds

sometimes…

i lose myself

wandering away wistfully relieving the sensations brought on by your memory flashing around me reminding my content self i played a part in pushing your panic button response to walk away

leaving me here

to pick at the festering wound created by understanding

i could have done something else

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